The Plus Conundrum

      Why, Google? Why do you toy with us? Why do you make us dream things we can never have? "A social networking site... made by GOOGLE?! That's fantastic! Everyone will love it!" is what went through the mind of a naive young boy at the idea of Goolge+. It was never possible, Google. I'm so sorry. You lead me to believe something that could... never be...

      If you told me you just invented "Google Flight" I'd be dead by now. The NYPD would'vee found me washed up on Coney Island. (Synopsis: I jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge.)
     Google... I have to say it. But with all the duckfacers, erasers, deleters, commenters, smokers, jokers, stalkers, and photographers, with all the replies, snides, denies,  lies, and pi (days), and birthdays, with the 'hey bros' and the 'y'all's hos' and the 'mofo!'s and the 'you know!'s, and with the 'your so pretty!' and the 'zomg!'s and the all people that use Facebook in so many, many ways... you, Google+, just can't stay.
Rhyming is fun.
Google+ is done.
Also, dead in the hearts of millions.

P.S. Google+Nobody≠Good

-rage

Michael Swordout

   
    God! This guy! Micheal Swordout! He is totally da bomb! I don't know how I could live without Micheal Swordout. Mike's just so awesome. I remember once, I was out drinking, because I am 21 years of age. And Mike was all like "WASSUP!" And we were all like, "NO WAY! MIKEY!!" And we bro hugged until 4:00am, when we were escorted out by the people who owned the bar.
     Mike and I, right, ya know, right. We had the same job, right? Ya know. Anyway, our boss was all like, "Rage and Mr. Swordout! Come into my office!" and we totally did, right. I know. And he was all pissed and shit. And he said, "Did you eat company food? Myah! I'm an asshole!" (I should mention I worked at Burger King.) And I was all like, "No way, bro!" (I totally did though) and our Boss was all like, "You're fired! I like dick in my ass! Myah!!!" And Mikey essploaded all over our Bossman! He was all like, "Fuck you, Bossman! I don't even know your name, bro! Fuck you! I had sex wid your wife!!" And I was like, "OOOOHHHH SHIT!!!" Ya know I mean? And the bossman was all like... shocked and shit. And Mikey beat him up with his computer. He bleed a lot. I was like... covered in the Bossman's blood. Then Mikey made me run away and we burned his house down and some shit. Mikey's a badass. Like toats.
    Another time I was baking cookies with Mikey, and it was really awkward because we had nothing to talk about.
    All of Mikey's friends are either stupid or angstsacks.
    BUT MIKEY!!! The SWORDMAN'S DA BOOOOOOMMMB!!!! He's sooo cool! If I could legally marry him, I would. If I could somehow get impregnated me, I would let him do it, at the most 14 times... maybe 16. I would make a family with him. And Live in a Cape Cod on Long Island. And life would be good. And the days would be long. We would waste them together. We would teach our kids how to bike and fish and—HEY! Whatchyu lookin' at, nigga!!?? I diden mean none dat, nigga! I'm not a fag, nigga! Mikey's just da shit. Man. Ya know I mean.

...rage

Death of Rage

Hello, world.
I have some terrible news for you...
Rage... is dead. What do you mean who? Come on... Rage? He was the one who made the bad racist jokes and made fun of Jack Fields one too many times.... RAGE!? He made Like 15% of the posts! What did you think "Rant and Rage" was?

Oh, yeah, yes he was Greg... This is what Greg was talking about when you were only half listening to him.... Uh huh... You better believe it.

Don't cry, those of you who pretend to like Greg and say he reminds you of Phineas and Ferb. Don't you shed one tear. Why? It's a simple asnwer:

ME!!!

It's Rage.9.2.1, baby! The next generation! N.I.Q! Spirit! Sputniq! Que! Llama Boy! Stavo! Harry! Jizz-Pillow! The Depressed Looking Kid in the Corner of Mr. Millers Room! Greg^2!

Like a phoenix, Greg's fiery soul ignited and out from the remaining ashes raises the Nick Harras you see here now. Or something like that, I was too tired to remember.

That's right, AMERICA, I finally inherited a blog with 12 followers. My 1st step toward world domination. Maybe one day, I'll be a Jonas Brothers fan or maybe and an Apple Genius. (That was sarcasm... I was mocking this blog)

In any case, I promise to take Rage to a whole new level. (And don't worry, Teddy, I went through the whole legal process... of an iChat video chat given oath.) Greg may have pixelmator... but I'm funnier... so... done and done.

I don't know what Rant will say to this, seeing as step by step I am slowly intruding into his life.

I promise, Raging Hobbit, that I will not only to long to, but to become a gigantic asshole.

... Rage

Serets Exposed: Rant is in The Klan!

Rant and co, Circa 1956; Far right in way back

That's right. I gave up on arguing. To tired. All that matters is, I decided to dig some dirt up and found the one unmasked man in the picture, the suspicious one way back to the far right with the cold, pale, unblinking blue eyes is none other than the nefarious Rant. Wreaking havoc and waging war on America, the Grand Poo-bah turns out to be one of our own. I've pinned up a list of hate crimes he's been filed for on his trek across the country wreaking havoc on the "unworthy."

+ 1957 - Busted for hanging "color television"

+ Classified 1958-77

+ 1979 - Rapped for murdering twelve children in church explosion

+ 1988 - Killed a boy named "Martin Lawrence" and hired a recruit bad comedian to take his place... also sparked the rise of skin spray-painting and the Blue Man Group

(Don't tell me when the Blue Man Group really started, I don't care.)

+ 1991 - Poisoned a police offer: Spiked his big mac with AIDs blood instead of ketchup

+ 2001 - Sparked a holy war by crashing a few planes somewhere, blaming it on the "inferoids"

+ 2007 - Killed British Ambassador during a tea party: Quoted "This is America, we have COFFEE parties!"

His history is brutal, but know this 80 year old man is extremely dangerous, owns a compound in Waco, Texas, and is a registered sex offender. Stay away from Rant, or should I say Klant? How about shant? This is the 21st century, douchebag! Oh, and Dinosaurs ARE real!

-Rage

I don't HAVE any children! Suck on that!

Here comes the Gettysburg fucking address!

1. No! I don't remember!

2.

3. You started the "dick lick?"

4. ^^That was a necessity^^

5. I can't possibly imagine.

6. The potus game?

5. That wasn't me...

6. If I am fat... then Jack is OBESE.

7. Well, that teaches you a lesson in protected sex.

Discrediting lies:

1. It's a serious disease! Fuck you! Why don't you make fun of cancer babies too?

2. 他們還有什麼地方會找到工作？

3. I have a vagina?

4. In your dreams, milfoid!

5. Rage can't ride a bike. This is actually true.

6. I'm the sexy shirtless gay guy who stands to greet the middle aged women as they walk through the doorway.

7. That's Nick, dumbass.

8. NO! NO! NO I DON'T!

9. I'm a good person. I'll give you a #10.

10. I have HUGE nuts!

Now here are 10 things about Rant you don't want to know. Countdown again.

10. He has special fried rice.

9. He got it from masturbating with candle wax and it went up his dick hole. And you know how the candle wax got it? Jack.

8. HE HAD SEX WITH A CANDLE.

7. "Monkey Monkey Rhino" is a sex game in which two men pile on top of one drag queen and they get it rough until someones "bone" breaks off.

6. He was busted for indecent exposure after fucking it with an Ostrich in public.

5. He is a filthy bastard child!

4. He screams "FUCKING VAGINA!" when he stubs his toe. As if.

3. I don't make Cock Norris jokes.

2. He has ORAL herpes. ORAL. (From a dog.)

1. Don't eat the hot dogs in his fridge.

-Rage

Fuck you.

This means war you filthy cock-sucking-animal-fucker.

1. That happens to everyone. There's no such thing as a watermark for a joke. You can't label it. It's happened to me. That's why I never telecast my good ideas anymore. I made that resolution on FRIDAY. I did it FIRST!

2. No, you're wrong. You're totally wrong. The point I was trying to make, either way, is that quoting to it isn't funny. References aren't even that funny! Flame is funny! Flame is not lame!

3. Formspring is for people who spend their days looking up blue waffle and then taking a tube of toothepaste and squeezing it out on the underside of their infinitesimally small penis while licking their arm hair.

4. Never heard that one. Never said it either.

5. GAY! YOU QUEEROID! WHAT THE FUCK?

6. ?

5. Remember the first post says I hate people who can't count? It's SEVEN. Douchebag. And BTW, Chocolate Rain SUCKS.

6. Referring to the Hangover, eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? EH?

6. I AM the Raging Hobbit.

Now here are six things I made up. And I'll do a countdown because I am AWESOME.

6. Jesus. I made up the whole Bible. It started as a silly joke but all those crazy white people started taking it seriously. I decided to humor them and write revelations too. Dumbasses. (The Koran is the best part!)

5. The rhino-fuck-fuck-get-on-top-of-the-Asian game. Also known as Hungry Hungry Hippos.

4. Jewish stereotypes. Half of them are mine.

3. Figure skating. A great way for men to get the gay out of themselves, and for women to get killed. The less the better. They kill themselves off pretty good by driving though.

2. Penis.

1. You, Rant. I made you.

-Rage

Making fun of animals....

Huhuhuhuh....FU Penguin! Huhuhuhuh! Funny! It's funny cuz Penguins R c00l!

Well you know what? Fuck you, human. Fuck you. Animals were here first. If you really want to fuck a penguin, go right ahead! And while you're at it, publish a book for $6.99 that you can get entirely free on the internet. Imagine, you and your huge, hairy nards teabagging a cute little penguin. I got a movie for you, it's called Happy Feet! It's honestly not funny. You take a picture of any animal, and then you just make rude comments! And half of you are kittens lovers! It's not even comedy! It's just so easy to do that you think you're funny. Here, I'll give it a go.

Hey! Baby ocelot! Suck my dick! Yeah you! Why don't you take your furryass gofer teeth and start nomming on cock! Yeah! My cock! I bet you'd like that because you're a stupid little animal! And maybe I'll molest you too! That's right, you stupid animal! I'm the man! I'm the man! Get up there you stupid animal! Get up there! Mmmm! That's right! Because you're a stupid animal!

Well from now on, I've decided to hunt down every human being who's ever raped an animal. Anywhere from that drunk french guy who got oral from a raccoon to Sarah Palin who took it down on that moose.

It's simply unbelievable that so many people think it's enjoyable to take a picture of a baby animal and then start beating on it. It's like people who think they're great jokesters, future comedians, but all they do is make references to pop culture shit or just blurt out quotes from "The Hangover." Everyone knows that real comedy comes when you take those same references, but then start ripping on them and the people who refer to them.

Anyway, I was prompted to do this when I was walking down the street and saw some faggot lying naked on the road fucking it with an ostrich. There was a huge white puddle on the floor, and then there's just pubes all over the place. I call over to him "Hey douchebag! Stop raping that ostrich!" So you know what he does? He starts screaming at me and then shoots at me with an M16. So now it gets out of hand. I realize how close violence and sex are. Now I know that people with guns not only hunt animals, but try to make superhuman ostrich babies with them too. Now as cool as it would be to have half-human-half-ostrich people running around, fucking animals is a tradition long past. Remember centaurs? That's what happens when you buttfuck a horse. It's a dead craze as old as incest. Only hillbillies commit incest, and you know what? Hillbillies are also the people who shoot and rape animals!

It makes perfect sense.

-Rage

Kittens...

Well, I was going to post this thing called "Funny Video," the most hilarious thing ever, and add a picture of a gasping face, but when I Googled "gasp," all that came up was, no, not porn, but kittens; which are nude; therefore kitten porn.


Trust me, kittens are the worst things to happen to America since Canadian television! Anyway, so I realized what the true meaning of lolcats and icanhazcheezeburger (sorry guys, that ain't Kosher!) and it's actually internet porn for desperate old women, deranged high school boys, and unsuspecting liberal communists!

Picture this: Laura Bush is sitting in her and W's room, throwing nuke-shaped darts at a map of the middle east taped to her wall, when all of a sudden she bangs her elbow on the keyboard of her 4,000 pound fuming 1970's computer (Raceless, not Mac or PC,) and then the screen goes up showing a giant picture of a kitten slammed against the window. A huge, furry kitten, it's genitals just hanging out there. Mrs. Bush becomes sweaty. What will George and Jed think when they find out she has a secret lust for kittens? Everyone knows for certain that it's a Bush family tradition to eat kittens! She locks the door, and gets freaky. Like, really freaky. That cat was just to badass to resist. Shaking, she puts her hand on the mouse and clicks the "next" button. She reads the words "iM in UR hoUse, eaTing uR MOUSE!!!1." It's so great, our former first lady passes out. It's unimportant what happens when they find her. (Apologies to Laura Bush.)

Okay. That was disgusting! Don't you see how cats can turn people mad so fast? Now, many of you may have already ejaculated because of the above image. To those who soiled something, I apologize, but I also know many of you read this blog in your birthday suit because at every corner the words are like a gigantic breast in your face. Do you feel the cushiony goodness? That's right.

So, now I'll read you some of my favorite quotes from Icanhazcheesburger. "iM in ur houSe, fuck'n ur WIFE." "iM iN ur house, playing with my DICK" By far my favorite, "iM in ur caR, rape'n uR FAMLY with my tinY cat NARDS!!!11" Perfect examples of the true life of cats, exposed!

Next up in line for people who look at kittens on the internet are people who either love animals and think "theyre so CUTE," and people who have OCD and think they are Catwoman. "Hey batBITCH, look at THESE babies!"

In conclusion, cat lovers are retards.

-Rage

EDIT: Holy fuck! 100th post! (By technicality, actually 98th post.)

The Original! The Real Deal! The Non-Plastic!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

George Lucas/Jon Stewart Show Interview Makes Me Want To PISS OUT MY EYEBALLS!

So good ol' John says something that I don't care about. Blah blah blah.Talk talk talk. And George Lucas says "Kids love Jar Jar Binx!"

WHAT THE HELL??????? WTF-ing TF!!!!!

Now normally I'm not one to complain about George Lucas's 2005+ halfass decisions, butright now I want to hold in my bladder until my eyes pop off and I die, so I will never have to experience this horrendous act any longer. Here's a summary of what I think of Jar Jar Binx:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFcs9hIn_Qs

Now did you know Jar Jar's father's name is George? Young Jar Jar with... George...



If you can find me one person who like Jar Jar Binx, then I will rearrange the order of the universe and set it back to 0.

Thank you.

Rage. Note, this is a horrible post, but that doesn't matter because nobody reads this stuff anymore!

The Return of Roppy!

HEy! LiKE LOL! RoPPYS BAC!

Actually, not really. But that got your attention right? I hope so, because I'm going to bring in the new year by talking about the funniest thing on earth. Your mom. In collaboration with most of the followers I've brought up the essential list to "Yo Momma" disses.

Ready? (No, I'm not posting this only because I have nothing better to do.)

Fat Category

1. Yo momma's so fat that when she had a period she bled the red sea.
2. Yo momma's so fat that when she ate a big mac they called it the western expansion
3. Yo momma's so fat that she was put in a line up with Peter Griffin and Santa Claus
4. Yo momma's so fat that when she walked on the beach a whale came up to her and started singing " we are family."
5. Yo momma's so fat that she has more curves than space in the presence of a massive object.
6. Yo momma's so fat she makes her own gravity well.
7. Yo momma's so fat that you need three cars, to buses, and a train to get to her good side-

You know what? Fuck this. I'm sure some douchey website by two guys has a better list than this.

I need a subject. I need inspiration! Somebody give me inspiration! I can't think of anything! Damnit!

-10 minutes later-

So Batman and Robin rush to the scene to see some crackhead clown guy huffing the gas out of Harley Quin's car's tailpipe. So Robin says "Holy hindenburg Batman! What are we going to do? They have a truck!"

B: Don't worry pigeon! We have the batmobile!

R: Wait Batman? Do we have the gay 1950's one or the bad ass one from the Dark Night?

B: Um...

R: Let's take the batcycle instead.

Nanananananananana.....

5 minutes later, in the midst of a great car chase between Batman and the Joker

R: Great gatsby Batman! It's Poison Ivy!

B: Then forget the Joker dodo! Let's get laid!

PI: Hey Batty, would you like to grow your mushroom in my barn?

J: Hey, wait! I want some of this!

Just then, two face and bane show up!

B: Holy crap! You guys are hideous.

TF: Hey, no name calling.

BA: Hulk Smash!!!!

But wait, an even great gathering of villains!

The walls break down, and a deformed figure with tentacles and a huge head step into the building.

B: No, it can't be!

R: Wait, shouldn't the Penguin be here?

B: This can't be happening!

Villains United: Not the ultimate evil!

Mysterious figure: I am the ruthless, the one, the only... NICK HARRAS!

B: No!!! We'll call him and call him and he'll never answer the phone....

But then, a great hero comes to save the day!

B: It's a bird, it's a plane... it's...Luke Skywalker?

Hero: No! I am Jack Fields!

But across the building, something is happening... it's a sniper!

And so, Jack Fields died that day.

And then the world blew up.

The end.

And that my freinds, is the screen play of Batman 3, the movie that will bring mass chaos into the world if it sucks, because no one will have anything to live for again.

Thank you for reading. And now, I present to you more "stolen" screenplays, Indiana Jones 5, Attack of the Bones and Avatar 2, return to felucia!

I: My names really Henry!

M: Nobody likes me! Why can't people appreciate the great Shia!

I: Hey now, stick to the writing.

M: No! I am Shia LeBeowulf! People will love me! SOMEBODY LOVE ME!

M: I know! I will star in a vampire sex movie! Now everyone will love me! Everyone!

George Lucas: Damnit!

And Avatar 2:

Blue Guy: Hey! I wonder why everyone loves this movie! It's completely unoriginal, but oh well!

Blue hot girl: I got an idea, let's make more money with a squeakquel!

Blue Guy: Yeah! And we can also give millions of dollars to (company will sue me if I name it) for advertising!

So there were three screenplays. Ready for some more?

Iron Man 2:

IM: It's elementary my dear Watson!

Iron Monger: GIVE ME YOUR WIFE!

And Spiderman 4:

S: What the hell? I'm not doing this!

Finally, Transformers 3:

Optimus Prime: NOOO! SHIA LEBAUF!

BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!

MEGAN FOX!

BOOM!
KA POW!

MEGAN FOX!!!!

BOOSH!

KA BOOM!

MEGAN FOOOOOX!

[Rants Updates for 2011- Batman 3 is  actually going to have bane in it.  Spiderman 4 was scratched by Sam Raimi.  Transformers 3 sucked hard.  Iron man 2-  Mickey Rourke kicks ass]

-Rage

End of First Year Statistics/Nearly New Year Wrap Up.

Thanks to those weird guys with cats for helping me make that picture! Anyway, as every meg-ego rag blog site would do, I will wrap up the year in review. Though I don't think the blog has officially been around for more than 7 months. Let's star with the number of losers who actually read this crap every day:

Ha! Never! Nobody ever reads this every day! maybe every other day but nobody! No one at all! Now, number of people who follow the blog:

Start-0
End-11

Wow! Eleven! What a huge number! My fingers can't even count that high! Wow we must have started something big here!

Number of posts in total:

Day 1-3
Today-73

Did we really make 70 posts since day 1? 70? No, we didn't. One was made by a freak mystery blogger [IE Roppy's only love.] You could think of it as only 1 post a day for the last 3 months, or you can think about it as 1 big fat idiot sitting at his computer posting 69 posts in 3 weeks!

Now here are some scary facts. Using only the text within the first posts made by Rant, we have around 64,000 words. Now multiply that by 50. That's a total of 3200000 words only by one idiot in a few months. Wow, you have a life. I've got around...65,000 words. That makes me more sane, right?

Now let's do a re-hash of the very first RH post.

"Lemme start by saying, it would have been cooler if congratulations was on a second line and a bit smaller, to add a sarcastic hint. Well that would be comedy. Oh well. Here, you have a blog, started by someone else, the other guy, who decided it's funny to call short people who talk a lot angry Hobbits. I thought it was funny too. But no, none of that could be, the great dream of the future was crushed, because some fat, friendless, 40-year-old (note the alliteration) took that domain name. Now I am raging. No offense to the latter mentioned. And you know, that brings back memories. Memories of people I hate, so I give you fare warning, you may be offended. #1 Bloggers. What idiots, who cares what they think. They're probably all fat too. I mean, some fat people can be cool, but no bloggers. #2 Book authors. Ever read a good book, love it very much, then look at the back cover and see some big fat idiot who you instantly hate? Authors ruin good books. #3 Pelopel woh cna't spleel. #7 People who can't count #8 Hypocrites #9 Secretaries. With all their time on the computer, I bet they're bloggers. #10 People who repeat themselves. #11 People who repeat themselves. #12 People who start running out of good and hilarious ideas and start repeating themselves. #13 People who have a lot to say, so they put it all in a blog. #14 Nazis. Those mustaches, nuff' said. #16 Bad editors who cut out numbers, AKA people who can't count. #17 Surgeons. They save the lives of people that I hate. Added: Surgeons pretend to work hard on you, but they just want money, then they let you die. #18 Flying toasters. WHAT is wrong with those things, can't they just leave me alone? #19 Advertisers. They're all ove- Buy Oxi-Clean! -r the place! #20 Hurricane Victims. What jerks. #21 Farrah Fawcett. She killed everyone, including MJ. #22 Disney: They killed everyone, including poor Farrah Faucet. #23 Excessively dark people. #24 The director of Epic Movie. I bet his favorite seen was the porno part. What's his name, Quentine Tarantino? Wait... #25 Adam Sandler. If I hear one more F#$%ing movie about bed time stories, I'll wring his neck. #26 Nickelodeon. Disney #2? #27. People who add suggestions to people I hate. I hate who I hate, got that moron? P.S. I hate you. #28-Suggested by The Other Guy: Fat Doctors, they keep telling you to go on a diet when they need to themselves. I hope they die of an artery fluke. #29 . The Other Guy. #30 Ugly people dating each other. They scarred me for life, and turned me into a dark, brooding person. #32 People who forget easily, If you don't remember things, how can you hate? Like the way I will always hate people who can't count. #33. I forgot the name for #32. What was it again? Oh yeah, amnesia patients. #34 Amnesia patients. The always forget what they just did. #35 PDF documents. Just look at them. #35 People who drag things out forever. #36 People who make rash inside jokes in public places where no one will get them. Pumpkins, pumpkins, pumpkins. #37 People who fall in love with non existent things, like Sparkling Vampires. #38 I <3> #39 People who make knock knock jokes. #40 People who just don't get it. AckJay IeldsFay. I bet he'll never know I just talked about him. #43 To end on an odd number, I'll wrap this up with the one thing I hate the most in the world. More than people who forget what they just did, and more than people who repeat themselves a lot, more than people who can't spell or count, Bloggers. The biggest idiots in the world. So I weclome you to the world of self-hating elehpant pig eating fliyng toatsers who (don''t) lkie to say Hlelo! Editors note: Excsure teHTypsos. -Rage, and Rant"

Rant edited his own words in there. It's hard to do a rehash/flashback/round up episode at the end of the year in words. It makes everything longer. Anyway, here are the short words of our mystery blogger, who shall never be forgotten.

Isn't that an ugly duckling??? I have hard of one before but never this ugly That is my duck His name is Roppy The vet told me that it wasn't a she But it definitely isn't a he So maybe it is a he/she A transvestite???? I mean transexual Or is that only for humans? Well i guess i could consider he/she a human I don't know G2g bye! --Roppys only love

So what's next? What could we possibly bring up? Fat men? The 5 some posts about Flamingos? You see it all here on the Raging Hobbit. So what more do you want? Well let's go back in time and see an old classic picture of our favorite ex-president:


On this website, there are tons of funny pictures. I can guarantee you another statistic, 99.99% of all of them were stolen off another site. I'm going to give you one last post, this one made by Rant, before I close up.

"Ok, so some Facebook friend posted "who wants a Google voice invite?" as their status. I naturally looked up "Google voice" and found out that it was free, but you could only get it by invite. So I got an invite from this friend, and it looked pretty cool so I set it up. Once I got it, I knew it was a mistake. You couldn't do anything that they said you could, like make a personalized outgoing message for different people, or change ringtones for different people, and even if you could, they would have to call your "Google Number". One problem, no one knows what my Google number is, and they have no reason to call it. Also, when you call it, it notifies the person that this is not your real number, which kind of ruins the "heres-the-number-I-will-give-you-because-I-want-to-block-your-calls-so-I-can-ignore-you-because-I-hate-you" effect. Also, I was messing around, and I found something that said "billing". Uh oh. I noticed that I was charged 10 cents for whatever reason. That was when I realized that Google is a liar and that Google Voice is not free. They make it seem that way, because you don't pay to install it. But it DOES frequently charge to your phone bill. By that time, I was like, fine, this sucks, bye bye Google voice. But then I couldn't find a way to disable it. I called the guy who sent me the invite, and he was also surprised by the evilness of Google, and looked up a way to disable it. Then he told me there was no way. You can't disable Google voice. I will be paying Google my entire life. Well, as long as I have my phone. I spent hours trying to fin a way to get rid of it, but everything said that there was no way. I found out some equally pissed people who had the same problem. This happens when I am starting to like Google, because of Gmail and Chrome and other cool stuff. Now I can delete my Google account, which would erase my email account and YouTube account, oh, AND MY BLOGGER ACCOUNT. That means, if there is no Google Voice, there is no Raging Hobbit. Google has not only charged my constantly, but they have made a threat to my blog. I couldn't find any way I could Email Google and complain, so I really don't know what to do. Apparently Apple and AT&T have seen through this crime, and blocked Google voice on their phone services. I believe it has been sued to, I am am sure other people are writing to Google about this. Now that I hate Google, and Bing, this leaves me with no search engine I like. Maybe I should have a Raging Hobbit search engine, maybe one day. I am surprised that Apple hasn't made a web browser or a search engine, because so far I love everything about Apple. Everything is just so simple... Anyway, do me a favor, don't use Google voice. Ever. Even if God tells you to. Anyway, I talked to Rage, and he ISN'T quitting, he just made up that whole deal because he hasn't posted in a while. No news from I Hate etc etc, but I will fill you in as soon as I get the chance. Another thing, If you don't get the new tagline for The Raging Hobbit, where the conversation ends, I will explain it. The famous tagline for the New York Times is "Where the conversation begins." They talk about new events, and inform you of everything. The Raging Hobbit's job is to talk about things you already know about, and degrade them so much that there is no room for discussion. If you still don't get it...then please stop reading our blog and start reading "I Hate Etc Etc."

...Rant"

The infamous post that inspired the other google post. Actually neither of them attracted any attention whatsoever. This post kind of sucked. But I still liked it.


So now you have it, RH in a nutshell. Except it's not in a nutshell. It's in a post. I hate the expression in a nutshell. Everyone knows nuts go in sacks.


-RAGE/Rage

Scary Christmas Music That Makes You Want To Crap Your Pants

So have you ever heard the song "Silent Night?" Here's what I think whenever the song comes on the radio:

Silent Night
Hold Tight
Scary fat man comes down your chimney
And gives you a fright

Silent Night
Hold Tight
Scary fat man comes down your chimney
Don't fight, don't fight

So doesn't that scare the crap out of you? Any way, I need to compete with Rant a little, seeing as he has more than double the posts of me and statistically 5 times more letters written per post. So I'm going to randomly prompt myself and see if I can come up with something. Please hold as I prompt myself.

Banana
Turtles
Fat men
Racism
Ugly Ducklings
George Bush
Money
Trees
Safes
Tissue Boxes

That's it! Tissues. Don't tissues have issues? What i mean by that is, this is the cold season. During the cold season, it gets cold and you get colds. So colds=tissues. So you've got this giant wet mush shoved up your nostril, and you stick this roughass piece of paper up your nose that gives you a skin rash, and little bits of paper harden in your nose. Eventually, the paper becomes dust, which leads to more sneezing. Clearly the tissue companies are thriving.

So this season, petition against misuse of your nose and cut it off. Store it in a cryogenic freezer, and deal with looking like MJ for a few months. In April, give your nose a few days to thaw out and then paste it back on.

And now, this is not a money making scheme. I do not own a cryogenic freezer companies.

What I mean by that, again, is Happy last day of Hanuka and happy less than a week 'til Christmas! You too Mormons!

-Rage

Let it Snow!

It's that time of year kids! Less than 2 weeks 'till a strange fat man who loves "ho's" crawls down your chimney to "give you a present." As for everyone else, that time's only two days away! And to hell if I knew when Kwanzaa was. So happy Hanuka and all of those other minorities which add up to a majority holidays! But I'm not here to talk about commercialized bliss. Today I'm here to talk about the one thing we can all appreciate in winter (except southern Californians, and well Alaska and Russia are pretty much always snowing,) snowing! What do we know about snow? Well, today I'll make it interesting. I'll read three facts from a cult bible about snow:

1. Snow is God's dandruff.
2. Snow is not water.
3. When it begins to snow, it means it's time again to have three more children...with your own daughter!

Yes, and if you don't believe me, why don't you look it up on emormony! Note that besides the fact that it's a twist of eharmony and Mormons, it also says "more money!" No offense, Mormons.

Now that I insulted one religion I'll have to insult them all! Have a crap holiday, you ungrateful air worshipping fools! You too idol worshipers! And even you atheists! Go buy your presents and shove em' up your a-- you --- for --- in the--- with a ------------ and while your at it-------------- you ugly -------- dipwad----------------!

Note: None of the above stated is actually true and the author is not held responsible for mocking every human being on earth.

-Rage!

EDIT: Shit! I just fell for that Goddamn bullshit find the differences thing! Someone could have warned me!

It's not even scary, but my volume was Goddamn on high! I'm gonna fucking kill you! I'm probably deaf now! Asshole!

15 days!

Happy Black Friday!

27...28...29...

Oh hi there! I've just been tallying the number of people that have died at that one Wal*Mart here this morning! Did you know that at the rate it's going, Wal*Mart will have killed as many people as Quentin Tarantino by the end of today? A new record! Now, I've counted out the facts. On this day, named for the stock market crash for some obscure reason, in the past 20 years, it was not ToysRus; not Target; not even Bush; but Wal*Mart who has killed the most people. And still, foolish fat Americans and their 6-year-old whiny kids who have nothing better to do but buy out dated toys and video games at .0000001% off risk their lives by entering a store designed to fit half as many people. Men, women, and children have been trampled, shot, hosed, and even squashed to death inside Wal*Mart. Did you know that it is guaranteed that at least 1 person in every Wal*Mart on this day will have an injury. And that ranges from a cut on ones finger to decapitation. This year, they are increasing security. Great, even less room!

If you are here, and now, I am very glad you are. Because that must mean you are not out shopping. Unless you're a total jackass and you're paying $10 a minute to get internet on your old crappy phone... that you bought at Wal*Mart.

You're lucky this site can't take more than 1 image at a time and process it correctly, because I have a bunch of pictures to show. But, let's get down to basics. Why the hell is black friday called black friday?

It's said to be a reference to traffic. I think it's actually related to the fact that when you get a concussion, you black out and then keel over. Everyone get's concussions today! Right now, I am sitting at home drinking hot coco by the fire place, watching the Black Friday forecast on youtube live. Look, someone just died!

Have a wonderful day, and rest assured the percentage of death today increases by the percentage of "great" deals that are going on at big box stores. An Xbox for ten dollars! All you have to do is lose both limbs!

-Rage

51st Anniversary Raging Hobbit

Sorry to the site I ripped this image from. Anyway, now that you're done laughing at my brilliant title, I am going to give an explanation to the above picture...

Today's post is: Pure Evil!

As you can see the kitten is devastatingly malicious. That's what I call TAKING A BITE OUT OF CRIME! Bravo W!

Anyway, I won't be talking about GW today. Instead, I'll talk about a certain unnamed satanic icon who is attempting to overthrow my yet-to-exist regime.

Here is this unnamed satanic icon's master plan:

Give me a bad grade on a test>do not show me the test>have parent sign test>turn in the grade before the semester ends which it just did!

As you can see again, I am screwed. Like George Bush who's about to get a coronary because that cat is waaaay to fat. Like him. Fat cat...

So, there's your 51st post. Love it or lose it.

-Rage

It's a Prophecy!

Hello and welcome new followers! Now that somebody's actually reading this blog, I think I'll take the time to give you what may be the most astounding message from God in the good ol' 21st century. This kicks some of those hoaxes right of the list, including:

#57: George Bush, the true Moses, who led our people into the holy land
#58: Fighting outbreaks between Russia and Georgia, God told Putin to follow his command
#59: The great prophet, Elija Wood. He freed our people of the worship of gold.

May I just say #57 was the funniest. Anyway, since I love to make lists with numbers, I'll give you the series of events with the turnout of the dream that means everything:

1. Wednesday, 1:10 PM. I was violated by a rainbow colored article of clothing.
2. Thursday, 1:11 PM (Creepy huh,) I had diarrhea from all of the Kid Cuisine microwave meals I was eating
3. Friday: 1:12 AM. I wake up from the dream that I am about to tell you about:

I am walking from "uptown." I pass Ackjay Ieldsfay's old house. I see a guy in a gold camaro, and I wave hello because he looks like a friendly old guy. Then, out of habbit, I flip him off. Then he stalks me to the other side of the street, and by this time his car has somehow transformed into the pink thunderbird's car thingie, and then he roles down the window after getting into a traffic jam and says "It's impolite to flip off old people." Then he drives away.

Now there are many ways one can interpret that, but here's what I think it meant:

Gold Camaro: Memories from Steven Pastis's book forward.
Flipping old guy off: I have to stop doing that.
Old Guy: God.
Pink Thunderbird Car: The show was pretty cool. The remake sucked, but it had better special effects and the car looked better. I would kill to drive thunderbird five. Or maybe the red rocket. I found a toy submarine the other day, and it turned out to be thunderbird 4. Oh well.

So, what we make of this, is that I read to many comics, I swear a lot, rocket ships are cool, and that God is here with us, driving a car, the car took shape two times, but it could possibly be a third.

There's one more event that plays out. Yesterday, at 1:13 PM, I see a car with a Yankee's license plate and an old guy driving in it. I assume this old guy is Yogi Bear or whatever his name is.

Therefore, Yogi Bear is God. If I were you, I'd try to prevent a forest fire right now.

-Rage

Political Correction and Tasty Processed Strawberries!

I was going to say something, but I forgot. Enjoy the picture!

-Rage

Okay, I Am Going To Sum Up The Great And Never-ending Conspiracies of the World With My Skewed Views

First off, let me start by saying a much funnier image would have been posted above if it hadn't been for the fact that I'd get my pants sued off. So, go ahead and Google "Satan Wal*Mart" to find true comedy. Next, the second image option was off JFK smiling and waving. The first picture that showed up was his open bloody head. I really needed to see that. So instead I give you some "lolcats", which brings me to my list of conspiracies.

#1. Lolcats is a communist Russian website dedicated to brainwashing American children to ship over home-made nuclear bombs! I know, because I was halfway through that trance when I woke up. You just gotta have a daily dosage of those adorable little animals!

#2. "Ihateetcetc.com" It's existence depends on our endorsement, we subsidize it, basically. And even if this is a free website, I've got to tell you that we are taking bribes. Go ahead government, seize us!

#3. This website. It's actually dedicated to brainwashing Russian children to bring nuclear bombs to the military. Oh look, I'm deep throat! (Please note, I originally typed "George W. Bush before I typed the military, but I don't want to use nukes and Bush in the same sentence.)

#4. "Report offensive" internet buttons. If they really did something, then we'd be long gone. In fact, they are there to drain bandwidth from the world.

#5. Wal*Mart! This is the true heart of the universe. They exist in over 678 countries around the world, according to their website, and I'm pretty damn sure that there aren't that many. There's more, but I'm too tired to write a full paragraph.

#6. JFK/Lincoln. This is how they were actually killed:


Now, doesn't that explain everything?

#7. Google Voice. It doesn't actually exist. If it did, I'd have heard of it before I read Rant's stupid post.

#8. Skippy peanut butter. I read the back of the can. CONTAINS MARGARINE.

#9. Facebook. It's actually designed to brainwash Liberian children to make nuclear bombs for the Aliens who killed Abe Lincoln.

#10. Star Wars: Anything after Return of the Jedi. They don't exist. They are a lie. If they were real (if I hadn't blocked them from my mind,) I would have already jumped off a bridge. I'm alive and...not necessarily healthy, but I'm alive and...and there are no such things as Clones!!!!!!!

#11. Dolly the Sheep. There are no such things as Clones!!!!!!

#12. To wrap it all up, I'm revealing the truth behind the biggest conspiracy of all. Not Nixon. Not the truth behind the Cleavland Show... BALLOON BOY! Yes, the dumb little six year old with nutjob parents who told him to hide in the attic while they let loose a balloon. Some say it was a publicity stunt, but I know better. They wasted 60,000 some dollars on military services, and while all of Colorado was intent on watching some kid fall and splat, they missed the fact that Phidel Castro--You know what, I better not talk about Cuba. A few years ago they got a fresh shipment of nukes from Myspace users...

-Rage

The Last Rant...

That's right you big, fat idiot. I may be retiring, after such a short and pathetic life of 7 posts or so. Well, I'm going to take this opportunity to let out my hatred of all of the most annoying things in the world. I'll start off with the people who pester me about my retiring. One day, this big, white loser comes up to me and says "Hey, I think your funny?" I was going to reply with a nice, friendly "Step away you big fat idiot," but I didn't want to waste my breath, nor, was he fat. So if you think I'm funny, you are a sick, twisted cutter who really has nothing better to do. Stop reading. Now.
Next, we have this webs-maybe it's better not to talk about them. I'll just blame Laura Bush. Laura Bush won't let me forward my paragraphs with that beauty we call the "tab" button. The tab button indents, you hear me you buttwipe? You are so stupid. You even cut off the side of my Firefox-Satan pitchfork and his tail arrow. Does life hate me? No, it's this we-Laura Bush.
Next, it's when people request for me to make a rant about someone else. What I f I have a secret dieing passion for them? Well, in this case I don't, as my heart belongs to myself, not, may I add, the PC computer helper lady. I think I just lost my complexion.

Now, we get into the meat. The big, juicy, and oh-so-loveable heart of the rant. Mozilla Firefox. I think they may be one of the best internet services around. We've got the tone deaf Opera, who likes that? I may like to go on a Safari but I'd hate to explore the internet. I'd never in my life go to AOL. There's not even a pun for that internet service. It just sucks. So, now Mozilla Firefox gets an update to try to keep up with Safari, who started after them and is already ahead of the game. They put a dumbass shiny light on the icon at the top with the update of Firefox 4607 or something. That's an uncool move. My Satan Firefox is already outdated with this crap.

Here's what really ticks me off. Every time I open up five tabs, the 5th tab becomes it's own internet browser. My computer spazzes out, my crack-ass PDF which I finally got to load turns black, and I can't click on anything until that stupid we browser opens. Why would they do that? The point of tabs is so you DON'T have to open up more than one web browser. Jesus Christ. How inconvenient? Imagine if you're a lifeless fat moron who has nothing better to do than look at internet porno all the time? That splitting moment when the fifth beautiful picture opens up could allow the 80,000 Malaysian viruses programmed in the website to leak into your computer. Now, I'll put this in retrospect with the non-porn watching, uncommon man, who would have been common 60 years ago before comic books were invented to ruin kids' lives. You are playing internet scrabble. It's in adobe player 567899879, and your computer freezes when you open that 5th game. Say bye-bye to ultimate tournament and say hello to actually BUYING a Scrabble board rather than playing quasi-copyright infringing facebook scrabbleous.

So, I bid you all a not so fare-well, yes, I did cheat you out of 20 minutes of your life, and may you all remember me as the one who did absolutely nothing.

P.S. If this site instantly makes millions when I lose, I want half the profit or I will kill my successor. Yes, the one I have no power over and do not even personally know. Well I do personally know him, but I'm too paranoid so I force myself to rephrase it so the government doesn't go after me for saying I'd like to "kill" someone.

Worst Regards,
-Rage