Printers and Forums

Fuck printers.  And fuck Mac forums.


Printers never seem to work completely correctly. Theres always some fucking error message. And there seems to be no easy solution to any printer problem. Whenever theres something wrong with my printer, I always just have to wait until it fixes itself. Nothing I have ever done has fixed a printer problem. I can fix all kinds of shit, but when it comes to printers, I don't even know where to start. On my mac, all it says is that it can't identify the problem. And on the printer, it can't even tell that my computer is trying to print something. There are like 5 buttons on my printer, and none of them seem to solve any problems. On my mac, the only buttons on the print window are "hold", "delete", and "job info". Job info just says "Can't print." No fucking shit. There needs to be a "Why won't it fucking print" button.

And FUCK Mac forums or any forum thats supposed to solve shit. Whenever I look up a computer related problem, it ALWAYS leads to one of these forums. I know they won't be helpful, but I always end up clicking them anyway. This is what I see.

Original poster says something like- "OK guys, I am a total n00b at printer/computer issues (at this point, my mind goes- 'yes! me too!'). My problem is that [insert my same exact problem here]. (At this point, my mind goes, "yes! he has the same problem and he is also a computer retard! jackpot!"). So I tried configuring the 28164 trifecta ethernet router HTML terminal control 7086 version install Rapety 5.001...."

Ok, stop there. You said you were a "computer n00b". You obviously know a ton of shit about computers, but you know slightly less than the people who know the most about computers, so you say you are a "noob" just to be a prick. Here are the answers I always end up getting:

Answerer 1- "I am having the same exact problem on my Dell Inspirion F5 Rapety Roethlisberger! Someone please answer!"

Wow, thanks. Someone else has the same problem.

Answerer 2-"I am experiencing these troubles on my HP Dickmunch 5.498097 Hitlerjizz."

Fuck you. I don't need to know who else has this problem.

Answerer 3-"i am also having this same problem. Anyone have an answer?"

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Scroll...scroll...scroll..scroll...

Answerer 280356932- "Configure the F98075 Hardon control panel terminal to 9017324 airplane asshole 26508 and then reset your hurrghghf and delete your hitlers."

Original Poster-"That didn't work"

I have given up. I am going to sit in this fucking room next to my printer until it finally prints my shit.

Horrible time for my printer to fail.

Just horrible.

I'm Getting Worried.

Facebook is the main source of my rage.  Those are only a few examples.

...Rant

Halloween Rescheduled Due To Some Snow And Fallen Trees.

"The town of Montclair, New Jersey has rescheduled Halloween festivities from October 31st to Friday, November 4th, due to inclement weather.  We have also moved this year's Christmas to NEXT year, and New Years is now on the third day of the year instead of the first."

But seriously.  My town rescheduled Halloween.  Heres what happened.

Friday, October 28th- Apparently its going to snow a little on Saturday, probably won't stick.  Cancel outdoor plans for tomorrow.

Saturday, October 29th- 

10:30 AM- its snowing a little, but not sticking.  Time to drive 39 miles to Green Brook NJ to get my airsoft gun fixed (at the time, this was very important).  

11:20 AM- Airsoft gun is fixed, its not snowing a little harder.  No biggie.

11:40 AM- HOREY SHIT FUCK.  Falling trees everywhere.  Cars skidding off roads.  Fucking branches faling on highway.  Snow is assraping every vehicle on the road.  Zombies attacking fucking neighborhood.  Where's the fucking army?

12:00 AM ish- How the fuck am I going to make it home alive?  Why did I have to go get my airsoft gun fixed today?  Why are the meteorologists so fucking retarded?  How could no one predict this shitstorm of snow and evil?  My car is almost out of gas, but every gas station is closed because they are out of power/ overrun by zombies.

12:20 AM-  Yes!  This gas station is open! (Waits behind 5 million cars to get gas).  (Fights off some zombies)

1:00 AM-  Holy shit, we are skidding off the road.  Fuck.  Fuck. We are about to hit that car.  Fuck.  Holy shit, its a fucking apocalypse.  Jesus fucking christ, where is everyones head?  Fuck!  Fuck!

2:00 AM-  Finally Home.  No power or internet.  Fuckshit.

Sunday, October 30th-  Still no power or internet.  Snow is melting.  Sanity being restored.

Monday, October 31st-  Snow almost all melted.  Trees being picked up, town is taking care of electrical problems.  Fuck yes, they cancelled school.  Halloweens going to be awesome.  Wait, they postponed it to Friday?  What is this shit?  

So thats basically what happened that weekend.  After an apocalypse on saturday, Montclair made an epic comeback and everything was fine by Monday.  But they still deemed it necessary to postpone Halloween.  At first I thought, "Well how could they do this?  Thats ridiculous!  No one will listen to that!"  But people actually bought this, and there were barely any trick or treaters on Halloween.  Way to kill a holiday completely, Montclair.  Sure, some kid might step on a live wire and electrocute his balls off, but thats all part of the festivities!  Adds to the excitement and thrill of halloween!  Avoiding falling trees and live wires makes Halloween and epic obstacle course of death and fun!  Why ruin that, Montclair!  This kind of storm only happens once in a never!  So after Monday, I thought, well, ok, maybe people will still show up on Friday.  But no one did, because thats retarded.  Way to go, Montclair.  I'll have to wait until NEXT year to chase little kids with chainsaws. 

Doosh Fagit!

Remember how in like 6th grade, when everyone was learning new insults, but no one ever knew how to spell them?  I was never like that.  I only used insults I knew how to spell, which I guess explains why I always called people shits and fucks.  I always looked up the spelling of the insult before I used it, but after looking up things like "douche", and "chode" on google, I eventually stopped.  Upon realizing that most insults I couldn't spell were usually another word for penis, I stopped googling insults I heard at school.  So I was never one of those annoying 11 year olds who would go on the facebook account they yelled at their mom to make them, get into some argument about trucks or videogames or some stupid shit, and say things like "doosh fagit!  fuk urself, bich!  u are gay and a faget!".

Most people who were like that in sixth grade are now those types of kids who just sit and corners and masturbate all day, whereas people like me, who chose their insults carefully, are better off.

One thing I always feared about this blog is that stupid fucking middle schoolers like that would become my most popular demographic, and all my readers would be like "u fagget, raging hobet is awesum!", so I'm just going to make this clear right now.

If you..

1.  Scream at your parents to buy you videogames
2.  Laugh at stupid fucking youtube videos
3.  Have a rolling backpack
4.  Are a stupid fucking little shithead douche embryo

..stay the fuck away from my blog.

thanks.

...Rant

Movies of 2011

Why don't people go out to the movies anymore?  You'd think with the better special effects, epic sequels, absence of DVD stores and Netflix shitting fiery blocks of sand on everyone on the planet (including themselves), MORE people would be going to the movies.  Wrong.  This year has had the lowest movie revenues since 1995 (I think that statistic is correct).  The point is that people didn't really go to the movies this year.  Upon reading the New York Times article, I gathered three points from this.

1.)  More people pirate movies online

2.)  The current shit economy

3.)  People only saw Transformers 3, Captain America, Harry Potter, and Rise of the Apes.

Bullshit, Bullshit, and Bullshit.  

1.)  Nobody pirates movies while they are in theaters unless they want to watch a movie that looks like a dirty basement porno.

2.)  People would rather see Ceaser beat up Draco Malfoy than worry about losing 12 dollars.

3.) This isn't the first time three huge blockbusters have come out in one year.  Plus, not that many people saw Rise of the Apes.

I have yet to think of better reasons as to why people didn't watch movies this year.  I think I'm going to have to go with the fact that 90% of this years movies looked really fucking stupid.  ..like REALLY fucking stupid.  Lets see..

X-Men: First Class- FUCK YEAH X-MEN KICKS ASS FUCK EVERYONE YES YES.  Sorry.  I had to express my satisfaction with this movie.  Above average X-Men movie.  Maybe people didn't see it because "Orgins of Hugh Jackman Putting on Weird Expressions"  was a little fuzzy piece of shit.

Green Lantern- "Hey guys, I'm Ryan Reynolds.  Remember me from Van Wilder?  Well now I'm Green Lantern!  Look at my ring, look at my ring!"  I had no desire to see Green Lantern.  Someone told me it was worse than The Wicker Man, which kind of frightened me.

Mr. Popper's Penguins- Because...the trailer showed dancing penguins.  Thats a Happy Feet thing.  Also because no one wants to see anything of Jim Carrey anymore.  I wonder how many times he tried to commit suicide on the set.

Bad Teacher- Because Cameron Diaz is old and disgusting.  I guarantee Bad Teacher would do twice as well if Diaz's character was played by some hot girl.  Plus, all the old guys who like Cameron Diaz probably figured it was a "wait till its on DVD so I can jack off to it without a lawsuit" type of movie.

Cars 2-  Because no.

Winnie The Pooh:  Because the only kids who ever liked Winnie the pooh are now 40.  And all THEIR kids all want to see Cars 2.   

Friends With Benefits:  Because Mila Kunis looks like a wolf?

Cowboys and Aliens:  Hate to state the obvious, but its about cowboys and aliens.

Crazy, Stupid, Love:  I have to say, the only reason I wanted to see this was because they played a Muse song in the trailer.  This is one of those movies that you procrastinate seeing it until its only playing at Shitfuck Theaters in West Bullshit, Nevada.  Its a DVD movie.

The Smurfs:  Because we learned our lesson from "Alvin and the Chipmunks"

See?  This years movies sucked!  We need better movie ideas, because even with our FX and 3D awesome shit, we can't think of a good fucking idea.  Here are some of mine..

Rant's Movie Ideas

1.  Bug-Eyed Alien.  Maybe the name could be less retarded, but a movie where aliens infiltrate seattle and a group of people make their home into a safe-house, defending from aliens and protecting themselves in survival mode.  Sounds awesome right?  I am making this movie.  End of story.

2.  Pencilneck 4.  There will be no Pencilneck 1 through 3.  Only 4.

3.  SuperChetan vs. ThunderJack.  This.  Movie.  Must.  Exist.  (For all you folks out there, its a comic I write.)

4.  Helmet-Man!  Yes, the exclamation point is included in the title.  This movie promotes safety!  Yayy!!

5.  Zombies vs. Vampires-  Sounds awful, but think about it...  "Zombies vs. Vampires- pick a side, or be dead!"  All it needs is a good director and someone who can bang out dozens of terrifically cheesy lines.

6.  Where's Waldo- The Movie-  A man in a striped suit is a fugitive who is constantly being tracked by the government.  However no one can find him.  Because he is Waldo.

7.  Madea Dies and Never Makes Another Movie Ever-  The demographic is white people.

8.  Astronaut Cowboy Leprechaun- This movie will have 13 sequels.

See, Hollywood needs more people like me.  No wonder no one saw movies this year.  Would you rather see "I Don't Know How She Does It", or "Zombies vs. Vampires 3- Sharks are Involved"?

...Rant