Fat Critics

Ever seen a really promising movie trailer and you can't wait to see the movie...then you see the reviews? Movie critics are fat assholes whose job it is to simply watch movies and talk about them. So naturally, they're fat. Although I hate fat people a lot, that isn't the reason I hate movie critics. They are so negative. Who wants to read something where a guy is just ranting about everything he hates? They always have something BAD to say. They watch movies prepared to say something bad about them. Whats the point of even having movie critics anyway? When you see a movie, YOU decide whether its good or not, why do you need some fat drooling asshole to change your mind? Possibly worse than movie critics are food critics. Naturally, they are even fatter, because their job is to eat and talk about food. But food critics vary more so than movie critics do. The "best" food critics are the Italian skinny ones that drink wine and eat olives and start writing stupid poetry about the food and use all these smilies and metaphors or whatever and you can't understand what it says. The lowbrow fatass food "critics" who just want an excuse to eat for a living are all fat, and NONE of them are Italian. I did a quick google search for the phrase "food critic", and the first thing that came up was "wikiHow- How to become a food critic!" Excellent! Lets say I'm a fat kid who loves to eat and wants to eat for a career, lets get started! "If you enjoy tasting a wide variety of foods"...(blah blah blah fat fat fat blah diabetes) "...and love to write, this may be the perfect career for you". If you already have pulled up the link, take note of the images of people stuffing their faces with food. And you always wondered why food critics preferred to be anonymous. They don't want everyone to know the truth behind food critics. Meh, I think I'll pass. I hate movie critics and food critics, they all fall into the same general category of people who can't find a job that doesn't involve doing things they would do on their own time anyway. (i.e. eating, watching movies).

Author's notes-

I personally photoshopped that picture. See what I do for my fans?

In case you didn't get it, at the beginning of the post, I was referring to Nightmare on Elm Street...

Its Ironic how food critics are fat, if you think about it, its almost as ironic as fat doctors and fat gym teachers.

...Rat

Pepperidge Farms.

A little on Pepperidge Farms. I ran out of double chocolate Milanos the other day, so I decided to make some of my own. On my empty Milano bag, there is a section called, Art Of The Cookie®. Its basically a recipe. Perfect! But not perfect! This is what the recipe was..

Art Of The Cookie®

Begin with a baker's soul. Seek the finest ingredients. Explore Nature's infinite variety of flavors and textures-

Sweet...crunchy...rich... oh, and chocolate. Entertain inspirations. Embrace decadent cravings.

Reward yourself.

Open...taste...delight.

Hm? So I decided to call Pepperidge Farms and ask them about it. Unfortunately, they said they were closed, but didn't say what time they were open. So I called Nabisco, maybe they could help. I didn't realize that they were owned by Kraft. Kraft was pissy and mean and didn't give any information. I called Pepperidge Farms nice and early the next day. The first guy I talked to asked to talk to my parents. I told him they were dead and I hung up on him. The next woman asked me for my age, so she could "address me properly" since when do you address people by their ages? "Hey, 23"..."Yooo....22, whats upppp?". Anyway I ended the call. These were the things I was going to say.

Begin with a baker's soul. What does this mean? Do you have to take it from him? Does he die when you get it? Do you need like a soul reaper to get it for you? Where the hell is the soul anyway? Maybe I'll just cut him open and look around for a soul. The devil has plenty of souls, maybe I can ask him for one he got from a baker. I've already embraced decadent cravings, explored natures infinite variety of flavors and textures, and I have definitely rewarded myself! Its the baker's soul thats the problem. My adaption of Milanos did not go accordingly. I took two slices of bread and put sugar on them, with Nutella in the middle. I baked it at 470˚F, but when I took it out, the bread and nutella didnt taste very good and the sugar fell off when i removed it from the oven. Please help me make Milanos!

BTW, have any of you noticed that weird bump thing on every milano? what is that?

...Rant

Serets Exposed: Rant is in The Klan!

Rant and co, Circa 1956; Far right in way back

That's right. I gave up on arguing. To tired. All that matters is, I decided to dig some dirt up and found the one unmasked man in the picture, the suspicious one way back to the far right with the cold, pale, unblinking blue eyes is none other than the nefarious Rant. Wreaking havoc and waging war on America, the Grand Poo-bah turns out to be one of our own. I've pinned up a list of hate crimes he's been filed for on his trek across the country wreaking havoc on the "unworthy."

+ 1957 - Busted for hanging "color television"

+ Classified 1958-77

+ 1979 - Rapped for murdering twelve children in church explosion

+ 1988 - Killed a boy named "Martin Lawrence" and hired a recruit bad comedian to take his place... also sparked the rise of skin spray-painting and the Blue Man Group

(Don't tell me when the Blue Man Group really started, I don't care.)

+ 1991 - Poisoned a police offer: Spiked his big mac with AIDs blood instead of ketchup

+ 2001 - Sparked a holy war by crashing a few planes somewhere, blaming it on the "inferoids"

+ 2007 - Killed British Ambassador during a tea party: Quoted "This is America, we have COFFEE parties!"

His history is brutal, but know this 80 year old man is extremely dangerous, owns a compound in Waco, Texas, and is a registered sex offender. Stay away from Rant, or should I say Klant? How about shant? This is the 21st century, douchebag! Oh, and Dinosaurs ARE real!

-Rage

Derp II

Rant: Defending Raging Hobbit free will for 7 months!

1. THATS BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID

2. So you have no response for me?

3. The what..?

4. ^^That was a necessity^^

5. Until you play the game, you cannot discover the brilliance.

6. Potus game? What?

5. AHA! I see your ability to argue is quickly deteriorating! "That wasn't me....."

6. ITS FUNNY BECAUSE JACK IS FAT

7. Then I am your father, so I can legally kill you.

I can see a chain of longer posts developing...

1. You are a cancer baby. If you were my child I would have had you aborted.

2. *Proof that you hire poor Oriental boys to write for you. I know you don't speak chinese!*

3. INDEED

4. More proof that your argumentative skills are deteriorating.

5. INDEED

6. YOU ARE THE FAT ONE WHO COLLECTS COAT HANGERS FROM THE CHANGING ROOM FLOORS AND HANGS THE SHIRTS BACK UP.

7. True that but you still looked it up on Jack's laptop.

8. YES YES YES YOU DO

9. I would prefer not to dwell on Rage's 10th topic, so I'll remove it from the list.

This post is long.

10. I do make very good fried rice..

9. That's actually not my fried rice recipe! I got it off Epicurious.com!

8. CANDLES DO NOT HAVE GENITALIA.

7. That may be the way you like to play it...but my way is different.

6. What, the candle? CANDLES DO NOT HAVE GENITALIA!

5. I am a clean bastard child!

4. I don't stub my toes! I am a dignified imposing man!

3. That actually had nothing to do with me, but ok!

2. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080508174238AAoAqWy

1. If hot dogs were in a fridge, they wouldn't be very hot, would they? Eh? EEHH?

...Rant

I don't HAVE any children! Suck on that!

Here comes the Gettysburg fucking address!

1. No! I don't remember!

2.

3. You started the "dick lick?"

4. ^^That was a necessity^^

5. I can't possibly imagine.

6. The potus game?

5. That wasn't me...

6. If I am fat... then Jack is OBESE.

7. Well, that teaches you a lesson in protected sex.

Discrediting lies:

1. It's a serious disease! Fuck you! Why don't you make fun of cancer babies too?

2. 他們還有什麼地方會找到工作？

3. I have a vagina?

4. In your dreams, milfoid!

5. Rage can't ride a bike. This is actually true.

6. I'm the sexy shirtless gay guy who stands to greet the middle aged women as they walk through the doorway.

7. That's Nick, dumbass.

8. NO! NO! NO I DON'T!

9. I'm a good person. I'll give you a #10.

10. I have HUGE nuts!

Now here are 10 things about Rant you don't want to know. Countdown again.

10. He has special fried rice.

9. He got it from masturbating with candle wax and it went up his dick hole. And you know how the candle wax got it? Jack.

8. HE HAD SEX WITH A CANDLE.

7. "Monkey Monkey Rhino" is a sex game in which two men pile on top of one drag queen and they get it rough until someones "bone" breaks off.

6. He was busted for indecent exposure after fucking it with an Ostrich in public.

5. He is a filthy bastard child!

4. He screams "FUCKING VAGINA!" when he stubs his toe. As if.

3. I don't make Cock Norris jokes.

2. He has ORAL herpes. ORAL. (From a dog.)

1. Don't eat the hot dogs in his fridge.

-Rage