Radiohead and Shit

If theres anything I really hate about iTunes, its the reviews.  People who give one star because their download didn't work correctly.  People who give 5 stars because they like one song on the whole album.  People who give one star to be a contrarian.  People who give 5 stars because they are pretentious.  The whole system is fucked up.  I was browsing through Radiohead albums on iTunes, and i noticed that Pablo Honey (highly regarded as Radiohead's best album), had only 4 stars, compared to the others, which usually have 4 and a half or 5.  And heres why.  Scrolling down to the negative reviews, every single one said how the clean version of Creep (Radiohead's most popular song) was "album only".  Everyone was putting one star saying "i want to buy the clean version for my children because they like the song and it says fuck once in it and i cant let that happen because they're going to start blowing up buildings fuckfuckfuck".   First of all, Pablo Honey was originally not released with a clean version.  Be lucky you even have one.  Its a BONUS track guys.  Pablo Honey appears on itunes exactly as it does normally. except they ADDED a song, so they can do whatever the fuck they want with it.  They even let you buy the normal creep all buy itself!  Just like every other song!  Cover your kids ears when the guy says fuck.  Second, that isn't even a reason to give something one star!  Because obviously you like the album!  What good does giving one star do?  The star rating system relates to the album itself, not how itunes chooses to sell the album.  "Oh, look, itunes misspelled "misery" in Maroon 5's new album.  ONE STAR!"  "On the white stripes's debut album, itunes wrote "jimmy the explorer" instead of "jimmy the exploder".  ONE STAR!"  Fuck you.  Itunes isn't going to say "wow, this guy gave Pablo Honey one star, guess we better make clean creep available as a single!  Pablo Honey is a good album.  Just buy all of it, then you get your pussy version of creep.  I haven't even asked yet why people want creep to be clean?  It was written with the word "fuck" in it, deal with it.  Buy your kids some Justin Bieber, then you don't need to cry about when theres a bad word in a song.  Your kid probably hears the word "fuck" a lot.   Just explain to them why it was OK for them to say "fuck" in that instance.  OR just don't buy them the song, if  you're that much of a helicopter parent.  Just because Radiohead says a bad word, they aren't going to become some sort of deviant and start fucking the dog.

...rant

Ultimate Rant Time

Random Musings

-Why don't emo/scene kids just kill themselves? that way, both of us would be happy.  Does that not make perfect sense?
-Why is it called a "blow-job" when there is no blowing involved?  It should be called a "suckjob".  Actually, its not a job, because they don't get paid (usually).  It should just be called a suck.  "Dianne gave me a suck last night."  Sounds much better.

-Facebook should have a button next to "poke" that just blows the persons head up.

-Why do I keep having bizarre dreams about liz katriel?  I'm starting to get worried.

-Whenever i'm in montana, i keep seeing signs that say "the testicle festival is coming". anyone care to explain what the fuck that is?

-If you look at a picture of someone long enough, they look stupid.  Ikidyounot.

-If i were a fireman, i could just beat the shit out of people and no one would mind.

-Movies like "piranha 3D and "shark night" really make me wonder.. if I made a movie called "people fuck and die in 3D", how many people would see it? Did I just come up with a really good idea?

-When people are put to death, they should be made into burgers. Precious meat is going to waste.  Actually, everyone who dies should be made into a burger.

-There should be a skyscraper with a giant slide attached to it. and a diving board.

-Theres nothing worse than listening to someone else playing bad music and try to explain why you should like it

-Fuck "texarkana". if i hear one more country song that says something like "hrmm ghmm goin down to texarkana", I'm going punch someone in the lip.

-Whenever i see rainbows, the colors aren't in the correct order. and I always had to remember that stupid color order. fuck rainbows. rainbows eat shit.

-"Paul McCartney is dead". no he isn't, fuck you.

Demographics

-Child leashes- parents who make their children shit in litterboxes.

-Energy drinks- people who like to spend money and think they're getting energy.

-Blu-ray- people who think they're better than everyone else.

-Music genres ending in 'core'- people who pretend to want to kill themselves.

-The "Friends with Benefits" movie- people who weren't satisfied with "No Strings Attached"

-Zune- fuckfaces and mete.

Conversations that never seem to take place

Jack- "Bob is such an honest person.  He never says mean or dirty things."

Dianne- "Bob is 12 months old"

Jack- "Yeah I know, he's a great guy."

Dianne- "I just finished burying John.  I had to chloroform him first.  Help me wash this dirt off my clothes."

Jack- " Make sure the dogs don't dig him up again."

Jack- "Dianne, you're going to give me a blow job right now.  Then you're going to take me to Hooters and say nothing as I watch sports and stare at other women."

Dianne- "Ok, I'll go get my purse."

Dianne- "Jack, make sure you're in the building this time when the bomb on your chest goes off"

Jack- "Dianne, don't kill that Australian Ghost Catshark.  Its endangered." 

Dianne- "But Jack, we're almost out of Dinosaur!"

Jack- "Make sure they shoot you in the neck this time, not the stomach."

Dianne- "Last time they shot me in the stomach."

Things people seem to think I care about

-Economy plus- no one gives two shits about five extra inches of legroom. that only lets be extend my knees about 12 degrees more. what i need is more space to recline my seat.

-Movies in HD- i can barely tell the difference. itunes charges you 5 extra dollars to see Hermionie's eyebrow hairs better.

-More minutes for your phone- according to verizon, ive used about 1/19th of the minutes I have. I dont like talking to people on the phone. I have a shit ton of minutes, I dont need any more. so stop with the annoying commercials with the families and the clocks. fuck minutes, I don't give a shit.

-A flashlight with my snuggie- I don't want a flashlight.  I don't even want a snuggie.  Half the commercial is about the flashlight.

3 things I don't want my dentist to say while he is pulling my tooth.

-"we're out of anesthetic, you're just gonna have to tough this one out"

-"after this procedure, you may not eat or drink for 48 hours"

-"i'm going to tie you up and rape you"

 Why do people think they can play harmonica? every time someone sees a harmonica, they pick it up and expect themselves to play an actual tune. harmonica is not as easy as it looks. I only know one person who can play harmonica. (bob dylan). Same with juggling. Everyone says 'oh, i can juggle a little', and then they throw a bunch of balls in the air and drop them. Same with double-jointedness. Everyone overuses the phrase "double jointed". just because you can bend your thumb back a little further than some people, you aren't double jointed. fuck you. You cannot play harmonica, you cannot juggle, and you are not double jointed.

My Great Ideas

A skyscraper with a slide on it.  I’m not backing down on that one.

A Water-Bike.  I've even drawn a sketch of it.

Turning the Hearst Castle into a hotel.

My Ideas That Went to Shit

Psalm trees.  Trees that grow bibles.

Sheryl Crows- bird shaped speakers that play "Soak up the Sun" and "If it Makes you Happy"

A new politically correct term for African Americans- "Blackheads"

Turning Alcatraz into a hotel.

Why does everyone say that they knew about a song before it was popular, and they think I care? A lot of the time they're just being pretentious. take Fireflies by owl city. Every time i play that song, someone says "i knew that song before it was popular". I know at least 15 people who said this. just how many people can know a song before its popular? by definition, not that many. On the facebook page "I knew that song before it was popular", the wall is ridden with people saying "fireflies by owl city". no. go back to your corner and masturbate.

I shit on the amazing spiderman. why remake a movie that came out only 10 years ago? and with worse/more ugly actors? Charlie sheen's dad? What the fuck? No sam raimi? What the fuck x2? The trailer sucks, too. When spiderman is running across the buildings, it looks like a 16-bit video game. Spiderman is gay, too. A lot of superheroes suck.  Catwoman is annoying. Superman is lame, and Captain America is too old/retro. Hulk is ugly. I bet i can come up with a bunch of with a bunch of cool superheroes. Razor-man. Shark-man. Safety-man (maybe not).

I personally think there aren't enough movies where really famous celebrities die. They always live, or die honorably. I want to see Ashton Kutcher go through a meat grinder. Or Christina Applegate getting her head twisted off. Or Mel Gibson running into a building and blowing himself up. Then we can watch the celebrities die, and pretend its real. It would be fun! It would be even better if they actually killed the celebrities on the set. 'Ok Ashton! just jump into the spinning blades, its just a prop, don't worry!' That way we would have really high quality footage. its like a plane crash at an air show. You get the best quality footage. There should really be more snuff films. Shot in 3D. "Macaulay Culkin Actually Dies in 3D".

Fuck This!

fuck stuffed crust

fuck bad sunscreen

fuck food that tastes like sunscreen

fuck covers of pink floyd songs

fuck whole grain food

fuck the MPAA

fuck automatic toilets

fuck Motley Crue

fuck people who don't like steely dan.

fuck service berries

fuck bad sunflower seeds

fuck stupid little whores in malls.

fuck Arthur Leigh Allen.

fuck "refrigerate after opening".  I fucking hate cold salsa.  Keep it in the pantry.

Things I actually like/can tolerate

Superhero movie reboots

Gay people who don't act really really gay

songs with faded endings

when i sit next to a hot girl on an airplane

when i get lots of money.

vaginas.

Itunes Top Charts as of June 5th 2011

1. Moves like Jagger- Maroon 5. a few things to say about this song. one, its not very good. People are only buying it because its a new M5 song, which leads me to the next thing, what the fuck is this Hands All Over re-release? Ive had this album for over a year now, why did itunes release it again? the only thing thats different is that they added moves like jagger and misspelled "misery".

2. Party Rock Anthem- LMFAO. this band is straight up shit. so is this song. Its not even catchy, or anything...in fact, it is incredibly annoying. It kind of sounds like they're making it up as they sing it.

3. Lighters (feat. Bruno Mars)- Bad Meets Evil. As soon as i previewed the song, i heard Eminems voice and instantly knew why it was on this list. Add eminem to anything and get money. You could actually compose thats a guy shitting into a mic, and at the end have eminem say "fuck", and your song will end up in the top three spots on itunes.

4. Pumped up Kicks- Foster the People. In the spring, i heard this song in so cal on an unknown station, and i thought it was ok so i downloaded it. on itunes, it had no reviews and pretty much looked liked no one had bought the song, ever. yes, i knew this song long before it was popular, but dont go calling me a hypocrite; if anyone else ever says the same about this song, i will fight them to the death. i was the first person to ever buy this song on itunes. fuck you.

5. Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)- Katy Perry. this song sucks, fuck katy perry. am i the only one who remembers when katy perry made funny/quirky songs? i liked that.

6. How to Love- Lil Wayne. Holy shit! a lil wayne song where he doesn't say "pussy", "fuck", "nigga", and doesn't laugh weirdly! Well, this song is ok.

7. Tonight Tonight- Hot Chelle Rae. When i say the name of the band, i assumed it was a mexican rapper and i previewed it expecting something like 'lean like a cholo'. instead what i got was my macbook actually taking a huge shit. it was the first time that ever happened. It just sounded way, way, too white. even for me. The lyrics are fucking stupid. It kind of sounds like lyrics you were making up to make fun of a song. actual lyrics- "la, la, la, whatever, la, la, la". gAy!!

8. Super Bass- Nicki Minaj. I have complained about Nicki Minaj since the land before time. Have you seen her ass? does she go to sports authority, buy two basketballs and put them down her pants? did she get them surgically attached? and her song just good "boomadoom doom supah bass!". shes also incredibly ugly.

9. I Wanna Go- Britney Spears. this song should be higher on the list. im ashamed to admit it, but i have a special spot for britney spears music. Its more catchy and smart than other pop songs. She's also incredibly hot. when she has hair.

10. Give Me Everything (feat. Ne-yo, Afrojack & Nayer)- Pitbull. for a second, i thought pitbull name was actually "Feat. Pitbull". i had no idea he made his own songs. This one is ok, when is comparison to other pop songs. Maybe its just because theres a guy in the song named "Afrojack". thats a cool name. I might name one of of my kids afrojack.

You may be wondering (but probably not) why the picture is of Bane from the Dark Knight Rises. Its because that movie is going to kick fucking ass.

...Rant

Pilgrims

A couple things that PISS ME OFF about both Black Friday and Thanksgiving. First off, never use say "Black Friday" to a black person. I mistakenly did this last week. There is no alternative to the name "black friday", so i just try not to bring it up. Also, if theres one group of people that I hate more than anime fans, its crazed shoppers. (and jehova's witnesses). You see, these sad little people called shoppers are like a huge stampede of elephants. They don't care about any damn thing except them and the thing they are buying. Nothing can stop them. NOTHING! Face it shoppers, within one week of having whatever you bought, you aren't excited over it anymore. Shoppers, you suck! Moving on to Thanksgiving. When you were little, your class had to cut out little cliché Thanksgiving pictures, am I right? Why are the turkeys always alive and happy? Thanksgiving isn't a holiday that glamorizes happy turkeys, its a holiday where we EAT the turkeys! When have you actually seen a live turkey on Thanksgiving? Speaking of things you NEVER SEE on Thanksgiving, what the hell is that huge cone thing with the vegetables in it??? WHAT IS IT? Its has completely infested all Thanksgiving clip art, we even had to cut them out as little kids, yet it is a mystery as to what the hell it is! Me and my dad are still debating about whether its a woven thing, some sort of edible cone, or a huge hallowed out gourd. To clear this up, no one cares about "giving thanks", huge cones full of pumpkins, or "celebration and history". It is also NOT about pilgrims. They suck! They had a horrible sense of style! Pilgrim outfits left a huge dent in the world of fashion. Let me tell you what 21st century Thanksgiving is like. It is about having friends and family over and cooking, eating, and washing dishes. I take about 10 minutes to finish my food. My family takes about an hour at a formal meal, and as for thanksgiving, up to 4 and a half hours. I timed it last year. And its impolite to fall asleep at the dinner table, so I have no choice but to listen to the conversation. Fuck thanksgiving.

...Rant

Why Anime Fans Suck.

Ok, Anime is not THAT bad, but please do not put a cartoon japanese lady with a humungous awkward dress as your profile picture. Why are people so obsessed with it? I always think that anime fans are all closeted psychopaths, because there is always just something thats off about these people. Its like they are a sub-category of humans. And why do anime fans always have a horrible sense of style? Oh, look at this asian drawing of a woman with a dress that has a 9 foot radius, maybe i should come to school and make myself look like a complete retard! And why is it so popular in anime culture to not be completely human? Look at anime, and you will likely see a relatively normal asian with huge pink ears, a tail, or maybe fangs! Anime people have extremely long hair, most are albino, and the guys all look like douchebags. Find me one anime guy that you can look at an honestly say "wow, this guy doesn't look like a complete tool!". Anime eyes are so enormous that they take of 70% of the skull. And there is always some weird light reflecting from their eyes, and they always look so innocent and asian. But the guys don't look asian at all! Whats with that? I wouldn't call anime a high form of art in any respect. Why is child prostitution so common in anime? Anime porn takes creepy to completely frightening. My anime tolerance goes like this

1. If you draw anime, I guess it could look impressive.

2. If you read it on occasion, I can stand being around you.

3. If you read it obsessively, I dislike you.

4. If you put it as your profile picture, I hate you.

5. If you tag yourself as the girl in the picture, I am afraid of you.

6. If you have a bookshelf with over 40% anime, and/or have a photo album on facebook titles something like "anime", I will try to stay as far away as possible.

7. If you talk to me about anime, I call the cops.

Among the things that irritate me are

1. Anime (of course)

2. Japanese collectibles

3. Modern Art

4. People who like modern art.

5. Creepy smiles

6. Baby Ruths

7. Lacrosse

8. Tea Party protesters

9. Lil Waynes laugh

10. Microsoft

11. The smell of green olives

12. Pickles

13. People who are so fat that they buy themselves motorized chairs

14. Catholics..

15. Religion in general. Particularly Catholics.

16. People who smell like coffee and marijuana. (no names mentioned)

Just because it is kind of similar, I decided to add a list of all the little things I enjoy.

1. The smell of airplanes

2. Wind

3. Finding a french fry at the bottom of the bag

4. Lil Orbit's mini-doughnuts

5. When annoying celebrities go to rehab.

Thats about it.

...Rant

What The Hell Happened? (Full Version)

Ok, I was lurking around on Facebook, and Jack messages me, and I immediately thought, oh, he's going to complain about Teddy or talk about homework! But to my surprise, he told me that the Raging Hobbit was DELETED. Now this completely ruins the story because as you are reading this post, you must be thinking "well, Jack is full of shit, and the story is ruined because I know the Raging Hobbit wasn't deleted". But anyway, I go on myself, and sure enough, it said the blog was removed. I immediately think "NICK, THAT HOMO BAG OF WHORE" and I was ready to blow up his house, when I went back, and suddenly I stared into the eyes of Uncle Ruckus and a creepy stuffed head, and I was silently debating on whether is was good, because RH wasn't deleted, or bad, because I didn't get to hurl a tornado of destruction towards Nick. Then I decided to post, because evidently SOME people still read the blog.

Maybe I should make a list of insults that I've heard that don't make sense.

So I'll do that.

Rant's List Of Insults That Don't Make Sense

"Homo" - I guess you could argue that it could mean something along the lines of "HOMOSEXUAL", but still, its actually just a prefix that means "the same".  Prefix insults are bush league.

"Scrub"- Didn't we used to do that to dishes? Its a verb, fucksticks.

"Fucksticks"- Its a dumb insult. I guess it could make sense, but we have enough insults relating to penises.

"BAG OF WHORE"- For some reason, this particular defamation is always used in all caps.

"Sperm Bank"- I don't need to explain why this insult sucks.

"Fuckaroo or Motherfuckeroo"- I guess its fun to say, but it sounds stupid!

"Bag of Douche"- Don't make me kill you. The term is "douchebag"

Yes, I've heard all of these insults being used.  Mostly by the same person.

Now we move on to something different: phrases.

"Shut Your Ass"- Used to replace "shut up". although "shut your ass" means something entirely different than "stop talking".  It actually seems more like something you'd say to your dog who can't stop farting in front of the guests.  "Hey Rufus!  Shut your ass!  It smells like a god damn shit factory in here!"

"What the Shit"- If I was an old irish lady, I would beat people with my handbag every time they said this.  God damn, this one really makes my eye twitch.

"Shit the Fuck!" - I HAVE heard this, usually when someone messes up putting their words together in some way. Not sure if they were trying to put together something creative, or if they tried to say "SHIT!" and "WHAT THE FUCK!" at the same time.  It really makes you sound like a fool, no matter how angry you are.

"Zip Your Face"- ITS ONLY FUNNY IF STEVE CARELL SAYS IT.  Stop trying to quote movie insults that are supposed to be stupid.  This and these fucking Step-Brothers insults.  Stop already.  

-Rant