Movies of 2011

Why don't people go out to the movies anymore?  You'd think with the better special effects, epic sequels, absence of DVD stores and Netflix shitting fiery blocks of sand on everyone on the planet (including themselves), MORE people would be going to the movies.  Wrong.  This year has had the lowest movie revenues since 1995 (I think that statistic is correct).  The point is that people didn't really go to the movies this year.  Upon reading the New York Times article, I gathered three points from this.

1.)  More people pirate movies online

2.)  The current shit economy

3.)  People only saw Transformers 3, Captain America, Harry Potter, and Rise of the Apes.

Bullshit, Bullshit, and Bullshit.  

1.)  Nobody pirates movies while they are in theaters unless they want to watch a movie that looks like a dirty basement porno.

2.)  People would rather see Ceaser beat up Draco Malfoy than worry about losing 12 dollars.

3.) This isn't the first time three huge blockbusters have come out in one year.  Plus, not that many people saw Rise of the Apes.

I have yet to think of better reasons as to why people didn't watch movies this year.  I think I'm going to have to go with the fact that 90% of this years movies looked really fucking stupid.  ..like REALLY fucking stupid.  Lets see..

X-Men: First Class- FUCK YEAH X-MEN KICKS ASS FUCK EVERYONE YES YES.  Sorry.  I had to express my satisfaction with this movie.  Above average X-Men movie.  Maybe people didn't see it because "Orgins of Hugh Jackman Putting on Weird Expressions"  was a little fuzzy piece of shit.

Green Lantern- "Hey guys, I'm Ryan Reynolds.  Remember me from Van Wilder?  Well now I'm Green Lantern!  Look at my ring, look at my ring!"  I had no desire to see Green Lantern.  Someone told me it was worse than The Wicker Man, which kind of frightened me.

Mr. Popper's Penguins- Because...the trailer showed dancing penguins.  Thats a Happy Feet thing.  Also because no one wants to see anything of Jim Carrey anymore.  I wonder how many times he tried to commit suicide on the set.

Bad Teacher- Because Cameron Diaz is old and disgusting.  I guarantee Bad Teacher would do twice as well if Diaz's character was played by some hot girl.  Plus, all the old guys who like Cameron Diaz probably figured it was a "wait till its on DVD so I can jack off to it without a lawsuit" type of movie.

Cars 2-  Because no.

Winnie The Pooh:  Because the only kids who ever liked Winnie the pooh are now 40.  And all THEIR kids all want to see Cars 2.   

Friends With Benefits:  Because Mila Kunis looks like a wolf?

Cowboys and Aliens:  Hate to state the obvious, but its about cowboys and aliens.

Crazy, Stupid, Love:  I have to say, the only reason I wanted to see this was because they played a Muse song in the trailer.  This is one of those movies that you procrastinate seeing it until its only playing at Shitfuck Theaters in West Bullshit, Nevada.  Its a DVD movie.

The Smurfs:  Because we learned our lesson from "Alvin and the Chipmunks"

See?  This years movies sucked!  We need better movie ideas, because even with our FX and 3D awesome shit, we can't think of a good fucking idea.  Here are some of mine..

Rant's Movie Ideas

1.  Bug-Eyed Alien.  Maybe the name could be less retarded, but a movie where aliens infiltrate seattle and a group of people make their home into a safe-house, defending from aliens and protecting themselves in survival mode.  Sounds awesome right?  I am making this movie.  End of story.

2.  Pencilneck 4.  There will be no Pencilneck 1 through 3.  Only 4.

3.  SuperChetan vs. ThunderJack.  This.  Movie.  Must.  Exist.  (For all you folks out there, its a comic I write.)

4.  Helmet-Man!  Yes, the exclamation point is included in the title.  This movie promotes safety!  Yayy!!

5.  Zombies vs. Vampires-  Sounds awful, but think about it...  "Zombies vs. Vampires- pick a side, or be dead!"  All it needs is a good director and someone who can bang out dozens of terrifically cheesy lines.

6.  Where's Waldo- The Movie-  A man in a striped suit is a fugitive who is constantly being tracked by the government.  However no one can find him.  Because he is Waldo.

7.  Madea Dies and Never Makes Another Movie Ever-  The demographic is white people.

8.  Astronaut Cowboy Leprechaun- This movie will have 13 sequels.

See, Hollywood needs more people like me.  No wonder no one saw movies this year.  Would you rather see "I Don't Know How She Does It", or "Zombies vs. Vampires 3- Sharks are Involved"?

...Rant