Penis Crackers

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE HOBBIT ENTHUSIASTS? There are none! Absolutely none! And I know this wasn't some conspiracy to all unfollow the blog, because one of the followers was ME, and no one knows the password to my account!

I would like to congratulate Rage 9.1.2, to be honest, I saw this one coming. Its always nice to add one more asshole to our asshole raging hobbit community.

Facebook notes. I have been tagged in three of them today. I honestly do not care if you like cats, straighten your hair every day, or eat penis crackers. Stay off my damn page. Do you know why I started a facebook? To see if Osama Bin Laden was really facebook friends with Barack Obama. Honest to god! I didn't ask for any of this! And I couldn't see unless I had a facebook! So i used the name "joe gandhi" because I didn't want annoying people from my 3rd grade summer camp that I barely talked to friending me! But thats exactly what happened! Two random people from my grade friended a random guy named "Joe Gandhi". At first I was like, what are the odds, and then I realized that I had filled out my school and graduation year, because it was required. Apparently, these two people who friended me (names will not be written), thought there was actually someone in the grade named Joe Gandhi. So I stupidly changed my name to my REAL one, and thats when the requests came pouring in. Family members, teachers, friends, random asians, and advertisers. Thats when I got caught up in barn-ville and war rabbits and become a fans and photos and music and news feed and chat and BleaaahHHHHH! Stop tagging me in notes!! I will go mad!!!!!!

...and the funny thing is, I still don't know if Osama Bin Laden is facebook friends with Obama.

Rant

Death of Rage

Hello, world.
I have some terrible news for you...
Rage... is dead. What do you mean who? Come on... Rage? He was the one who made the bad racist jokes and made fun of Jack Fields one too many times.... RAGE!? He made Like 15% of the posts! What did you think "Rant and Rage" was?

Oh, yeah, yes he was Greg... This is what Greg was talking about when you were only half listening to him.... Uh huh... You better believe it.

Don't cry, those of you who pretend to like Greg and say he reminds you of Phineas and Ferb. Don't you shed one tear. Why? It's a simple asnwer:

ME!!!

It's Rage.9.2.1, baby! The next generation! N.I.Q! Spirit! Sputniq! Que! Llama Boy! Stavo! Harry! Jizz-Pillow! The Depressed Looking Kid in the Corner of Mr. Millers Room! Greg^2!

Like a phoenix, Greg's fiery soul ignited and out from the remaining ashes raises the Nick Harras you see here now. Or something like that, I was too tired to remember.

That's right, AMERICA, I finally inherited a blog with 12 followers. My 1st step toward world domination. Maybe one day, I'll be a Jonas Brothers fan or maybe and an Apple Genius. (That was sarcasm... I was mocking this blog)

In any case, I promise to take Rage to a whole new level. (And don't worry, Teddy, I went through the whole legal process... of an iChat video chat given oath.) Greg may have pixelmator... but I'm funnier... so... done and done.

I don't know what Rant will say to this, seeing as step by step I am slowly intruding into his life.

I promise, Raging Hobbit, that I will not only to long to, but to become a gigantic asshole.

... Rage

Golf

Why is it that everyone who doesn't play golf think its stupid? "its so stupid and you dont do anything derp derp" fuck all of you. I don't care if its "not a sport" or "you don't do anything", its FUN. You know what sport I think is stupid? Basketball. All you do is bounce a ball and throw it into rings. Any sport could sound sucky when you put it into perspective. Take soccer for example. You kick a ball. Thats all. Wanna know a FACT? Playing 18 holes of golf burns 400 calories. AND thats only when you use a golf cart. Most people walk, which means more of like around 750 calories. Golf IS a sport. I mean if poker is a sport, you have to give golf a chance. And fishing? really? What about a port where you just go around killing people? is murder a sport? Murderball. Man is the most dangerous game. See, killing people IS a sport! What did that have anything do with anything? I don't know. But really, if you've never played golf, DON'T say its boring. (teddy cahill).

...Rant

Miley and Fish

OK MILEY, Its OK if you go to Britain and act like a lesbian hooker, just don't do it in America. Sooo, who went out and bought a copy of "Can't Be Tamed?"......awkward silence.... That's right! No one did! And there are two simple reasons no one likes the album! 1, its above the "age level" of normal Hannah Montana listeners. 2, no one who listens to that type of music ever liked Miley Cyrus! Thats right, she's too old for the younger crowd, and the older crowd would look stupid if they bought a Miley Cyrus CD! Let me look at the top albums on iTunes...hmm... Eminem, Arcade Fire, OH THERE IT IS! Can't Be Tamed! Number 129 in top Albums! HA! She's been blown out by the soundtrack for Inception, a Counting Crows album that's been out since 1993, a Nirvana album thats been out since 1991, even "Creed", which was deemed the worst band in the world, has an album from 2004, which is doing better than Miley's new album, which came out last week.

Miley-0

World-1

Its just a matter of time until Miley Cyrus turns into another Lindsay Lohan. I can already imagine a drunk Miley Cyrus with a cigarette voice that is even more painful to listen to, standing next to a talking car or about to turn into Jamie Lee Curtis. What annoys me about Miley Cyrus almost as much as her goblin voice is her weird round head and wide mouth that makes her look like an angler fish.

Can't you see the resemblance? The funny thing is, female angler fish are kind of like fish whores because they mate with dozens of male fish. I'm sure Miley Cyrus is already on her way to becoming a Lindsay Lohan Fish Whore.

I feel bad for male angler fish. There so cute, but they end up biting on to female angler fish which are like 40 times as big, and completely morphing into the lady fish's body leaving only his balls. Mother Nature must have been high.

[2011 Update, Miley Cyrus has been caught smoking out of a bong! whoop de wop ..called it]

...Rant

Jack Fields

This year, January 2, at 11:13 AM, I promised the world I would make a post solely about Jack Fields. Here it is. This post will include bonus features, including "How to Be Like Jack!", "Jack Fields Crossword Puzzle!" and even some exclusive lame Jack Fields pun photos, all visual representations of play on words based on the name Jack! You'll see classics like "Jack in The Box", "Hit the Road, Jack", and the ever so classic, "Brush my Teeth With a Bottle of Jack"!

How To Be Like Jack

By Rant

*check check*

*cough*

*ahem..*

Step One- Buy every pokemon card ever designed! Well, not all of them, because you still need some to complain that you don't have!

Step Two- Live in a house near Watchung Plaza, but never actually go there!!

Step Three- Break your screen door, so you can blame it on other people and get money!

Step Four- Have your info box on Facebook say "Rocking the rocking rock drums rock".

Step Five- Always wave your hands when you talk, like you are conducting an invisible orchestra of retarded kids!

Step Six- Have a pool table, but remember not to ever use it!

Heres an exclusive Jack Fields Crossword puzzle! Finish it correctly, and you might just be the next Jack Fields!

How many puns can you make with a name Jack? I could only think of three off the top of my head, but it took long enough to make even these! I even had to put the text ON the picture, because everything about blogger sucks, and I couldn't just label the pictures.

...Rant

Rant on Armond White

Heres something I haven't done in a while, rant about dumb people I hate. I'll start off by talking Armond White. He is possibly the douchiest movie critic in the world. I usually give less than a shit about movie critics, but this guy really gets under my skin. Lets start off by listing a few movies Armond DOESN'T like.

1. Every Pixar movie.

2. The Dark Knight

3. District 9

4. Both Iron Man movies

5. Zodiac

6. Knocked Up

7. Star Trek

8. The Hangover

9. Tropic Thunder

10. Precious

11. Inglourious Basterds

12. Transformers, but he likes Transformers 2?

I'm still wondering as to how he likes ANY Transformers movie, let alone the worst one. To give every single pixar movie a bad review has kept ALL of them from reaching the 100% mark on Rotten Tomatoes. So long as Armond White is alive, that will never happen. When I saw every pixar movie, I hope you know that this includes Toy story 3, Wall-E, and Up. Which all had 100% positive reviews until Armond white lit up his douche of fury and pounded them all. Now heres a list of movies Armond White DOES like!

1. Transformers 2

2. Confessions of a Shopaholic

3. Jonah Hex

4. Land of the Lost

5. Terminator Salvation

6. Dance Flick

7. Grown Ups

8. The Last Song with Miley Cyrus

9. Norbit

10. Fanboys

Fuck Armond White.

He says he didn't like Toy Story 3 because of merchandising, but he likes Transformers 2? I've always pictured Armond White as a guy who watches movies all day while shoving a Transformers action figure up his asshole. I wouldn't be surprised if equally retarded Mr. Michael Bay bribed him to be the only critic to like his movies. He even looks like a felon.  I'm not stereotyping, its just something about how his eyes roll back into his head, it makes him look like one of those taxi drivers who are actually terrorists/serial rapists, or one of those ghetto santa clauses in the malls who like the children a little too much. I think he walks around with a sack of children's heads. I just hope he doesn't find this post and try to track me down and add me to his array of beheaded children tied to his ceiling.

...Rant

Good Things And Bad Things

A few good things have happened recently, and a few bad things. I'll start out with what I usually do, rack off all the things that are pissing me off right now. A funny thing happened to me as I was signing on to Blogger. I pressed a letter or something on the keyboard by accident, and the language was changed. Now it was changed to like bok choy or some language that like 0.005% of the world has heard of. Now because blogger is a brilliant piece of work, as I went to change the language, I noticed all of the language names were in this ancient language. So now I had to go through all of the languages until I ran into English. What actually happened before I got to English, though, was that I clicked like Finnish or some language where all the language names were close to English, so I found English pretty easily. Another thing that ticked me off today was the fact that these annoying little lines kept popping up on the home page of Raging Hobbit. This was something I had to fix before I went insane. Google had no results for lines popping up so I had to use my minimal HTML editing knowledge. This is basically what I know about HTML. You delete things you don't want, so it isn't on your blog. Make one mistake and it fucks it all up. So I looked for something that said "little white corners" which is basically what was popping up on the homepage. And I found some link to a weird thing in the HTML code, but it said "corners" somewhere in it, so I deleted it, and it worked. But don't call me a genius about this or anything, because the last time I messed with the HTML code, the blog was completely incomprehensible, and it took me ages to fix.

Here are some good things about today. I made molten chocolate lava cake yesterday for dessert, and the house has smelled like chocolate ever since. The only bad part about that is when you have a dad like mine, who lights incense sticks every 4 minutes, the scent combination is absolutely horrible. It smells kind of like burnt hair. But back to the good things, I DID manage to get the little raging hobbit head on the address bar. The only thing I really have to do now to make this website seem more individual and less Blogger controlled is to have a personal domain name- i.e. theraginghobbit.com. BUT it costs good money. Money you have to pay every year. Oh well, maybe one day..

...Rant

Teen Idols

This is one I wrote a while ago, but never posted for some reason. This is the first thing that comes to my mind when seeing or hearing these following teen idols or "rising stars".

Selena Gomez- Illegal immigrant.

Kesha- Stoner and/or a really f*cked up Taylor swift.

Miley Cyrus- Goblin from Harry Potter that says "lamp please....key please..."

Justin Bieber- Woman.

Miranda Cosgrove- Evil clown. She has that same smile..

Demi Lovato- Breathes so much in her songs, sounds like she is calling 911

Shia LaBeouf- Nasal congestion

Bindi Irwin- About to be bitten by snake

Brenda Song- Asian

The Jonas Brothers- Like the Doobie Brothers but not at all

Josh Peck- Should be fat

Dylan and Cole Sprouse- Blonde=stupid

Jamie Lynn Spears- What the hell happened to her baby?

Vanessa Hudgens- Inability to wear clothing

Megan Fox- Fox=Dingo. Dingoes eat babies.

Jonah Hill- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sj3BBArd4so

So that's all I could think of off the top of my head.

...Rant

Top 5 Worst Photos Used On Raging Hobbit Posts

I finally made an actual logo for The Raging Hobbit. Yes, a real logo. With a name. *clapclapclap*. Anyway, looking back on the old terribly photoshopped picture I had for Fists of Rage, I decided to countdown the 5 worst photos we ever decided to stamp on a post. Lets start with number 5.

5.) The Deer One

Post- Making Fun Of Animals

Of course we've seen bad animal caption pictures enough. But that doesn't stop Rage from posting this mundane and unrelated picture. Of all the bad things I could point out about this photo choice, I have to point out the 4 L's in bullet. I'm not sure If that was intended or not, but even if it was, how does it fit into the joke? But the lame animal pictures don't stop here..

4.) The Melon Cat One

Post- Brain Stump

I promised I would never ever use this photo in a Raging Hobbit post, no matter how small I made it. But I ended up posting the picture really small below a post just to show which one I was talking about. This picture still makes me annoyed when I look at it. Every single god damn thing I google I see this stupid f*cking cat with the melon on his head. God damn. I swear that picture..

3.) The Stupid Random Kool Aid One

Post-Political Correction and Tasty Processed Strawberries

What the hell is this? The kool aid man, with a sign indicating that he has no pants, and another one of those annoying viral animal pictures. Its the orangutan thing! All against a white background, this is obviously a terribly edited photo by Rage, trying to find material for posting. Too bad the post is only 12 words long! Worst photo ever? Not quite..
2.) The LolCat One

Post- Kittens...

What the hell was the point of that one? So I think that might have been Rage's fifth post about kittens, and his 11th post about animals? I think Rage's material is broken down into 3 general categories- 60% animals, 10% Bing!, and 30% me. Well this picture was annoying to the point that I almost went ahead and changed it for him. Here there is a crudely cropped picture of a cat, on a white background, with random text that hurts to read, and doesn't even make sense in relation to the post. But I saved the very worst for last...
1.) Matt Damon's Head In A Saw IV Poster

Post- Fists of Rage

Don't even look at this picture. Seriously, turn your head. This awfully photoshopped photo shows the difference between photoshop cs4 and photoshop cs5. In our first on here, We have a two dimensional floating Matt Damon head, suffering in proportion and physical impossibilities. The second one is perfect. Hopefully, since I told Rage how to get Photoshop cs5, we won't have any more bad animal pictures.

...Rant