I'm Getting Worried.

Facebook is the main source of my rage.  Those are only a few examples.

...Rant

Halloween Rescheduled Due To Some Snow And Fallen Trees.

"The town of Montclair, New Jersey has rescheduled Halloween festivities from October 31st to Friday, November 4th, due to inclement weather.  We have also moved this year's Christmas to NEXT year, and New Years is now on the third day of the year instead of the first."

But seriously.  My town rescheduled Halloween.  Heres what happened.

Friday, October 28th- Apparently its going to snow a little on Saturday, probably won't stick.  Cancel outdoor plans for tomorrow.

Saturday, October 29th- 

10:30 AM- its snowing a little, but not sticking.  Time to drive 39 miles to Green Brook NJ to get my airsoft gun fixed (at the time, this was very important).  

11:20 AM- Airsoft gun is fixed, its not snowing a little harder.  No biggie.

11:40 AM- HOREY SHIT FUCK.  Falling trees everywhere.  Cars skidding off roads.  Fucking branches faling on highway.  Snow is assraping every vehicle on the road.  Zombies attacking fucking neighborhood.  Where's the fucking army?

12:00 AM ish- How the fuck am I going to make it home alive?  Why did I have to go get my airsoft gun fixed today?  Why are the meteorologists so fucking retarded?  How could no one predict this shitstorm of snow and evil?  My car is almost out of gas, but every gas station is closed because they are out of power/ overrun by zombies.

12:20 AM-  Yes!  This gas station is open! (Waits behind 5 million cars to get gas).  (Fights off some zombies)

1:00 AM-  Holy shit, we are skidding off the road.  Fuck.  Fuck. We are about to hit that car.  Fuck.  Holy shit, its a fucking apocalypse.  Jesus fucking christ, where is everyones head?  Fuck!  Fuck!

2:00 AM-  Finally Home.  No power or internet.  Fuckshit.

Sunday, October 30th-  Still no power or internet.  Snow is melting.  Sanity being restored.

Monday, October 31st-  Snow almost all melted.  Trees being picked up, town is taking care of electrical problems.  Fuck yes, they cancelled school.  Halloweens going to be awesome.  Wait, they postponed it to Friday?  What is this shit?  

So thats basically what happened that weekend.  After an apocalypse on saturday, Montclair made an epic comeback and everything was fine by Monday.  But they still deemed it necessary to postpone Halloween.  At first I thought, "Well how could they do this?  Thats ridiculous!  No one will listen to that!"  But people actually bought this, and there were barely any trick or treaters on Halloween.  Way to kill a holiday completely, Montclair.  Sure, some kid might step on a live wire and electrocute his balls off, but thats all part of the festivities!  Adds to the excitement and thrill of halloween!  Avoiding falling trees and live wires makes Halloween and epic obstacle course of death and fun!  Why ruin that, Montclair!  This kind of storm only happens once in a never!  So after Monday, I thought, well, ok, maybe people will still show up on Friday.  But no one did, because thats retarded.  Way to go, Montclair.  I'll have to wait until NEXT year to chase little kids with chainsaws. 

Doosh Fagit!

Remember how in like 6th grade, when everyone was learning new insults, but no one ever knew how to spell them?  I was never like that.  I only used insults I knew how to spell, which I guess explains why I always called people shits and fucks.  I always looked up the spelling of the insult before I used it, but after looking up things like "douche", and "chode" on google, I eventually stopped.  Upon realizing that most insults I couldn't spell were usually another word for penis, I stopped googling insults I heard at school.  So I was never one of those annoying 11 year olds who would go on the facebook account they yelled at their mom to make them, get into some argument about trucks or videogames or some stupid shit, and say things like "doosh fagit!  fuk urself, bich!  u are gay and a faget!".

Most people who were like that in sixth grade are now those types of kids who just sit and corners and masturbate all day, whereas people like me, who chose their insults carefully, are better off.

One thing I always feared about this blog is that stupid fucking middle schoolers like that would become my most popular demographic, and all my readers would be like "u fagget, raging hobet is awesum!", so I'm just going to make this clear right now.

If you..

1.  Scream at your parents to buy you videogames
2.  Laugh at stupid fucking youtube videos
3.  Have a rolling backpack
4.  Are a stupid fucking little shithead douche embryo

..stay the fuck away from my blog.

thanks.

...Rant

Movies of 2011

Why don't people go out to the movies anymore?  You'd think with the better special effects, epic sequels, absence of DVD stores and Netflix shitting fiery blocks of sand on everyone on the planet (including themselves), MORE people would be going to the movies.  Wrong.  This year has had the lowest movie revenues since 1995 (I think that statistic is correct).  The point is that people didn't really go to the movies this year.  Upon reading the New York Times article, I gathered three points from this.

1.)  More people pirate movies online

2.)  The current shit economy

3.)  People only saw Transformers 3, Captain America, Harry Potter, and Rise of the Apes.

Bullshit, Bullshit, and Bullshit.  

1.)  Nobody pirates movies while they are in theaters unless they want to watch a movie that looks like a dirty basement porno.

2.)  People would rather see Ceaser beat up Draco Malfoy than worry about losing 12 dollars.

3.) This isn't the first time three huge blockbusters have come out in one year.  Plus, not that many people saw Rise of the Apes.

I have yet to think of better reasons as to why people didn't watch movies this year.  I think I'm going to have to go with the fact that 90% of this years movies looked really fucking stupid.  ..like REALLY fucking stupid.  Lets see..

X-Men: First Class- FUCK YEAH X-MEN KICKS ASS FUCK EVERYONE YES YES.  Sorry.  I had to express my satisfaction with this movie.  Above average X-Men movie.  Maybe people didn't see it because "Orgins of Hugh Jackman Putting on Weird Expressions"  was a little fuzzy piece of shit.

Green Lantern- "Hey guys, I'm Ryan Reynolds.  Remember me from Van Wilder?  Well now I'm Green Lantern!  Look at my ring, look at my ring!"  I had no desire to see Green Lantern.  Someone told me it was worse than The Wicker Man, which kind of frightened me.

Mr. Popper's Penguins- Because...the trailer showed dancing penguins.  Thats a Happy Feet thing.  Also because no one wants to see anything of Jim Carrey anymore.  I wonder how many times he tried to commit suicide on the set.

Bad Teacher- Because Cameron Diaz is old and disgusting.  I guarantee Bad Teacher would do twice as well if Diaz's character was played by some hot girl.  Plus, all the old guys who like Cameron Diaz probably figured it was a "wait till its on DVD so I can jack off to it without a lawsuit" type of movie.

Cars 2-  Because no.

Winnie The Pooh:  Because the only kids who ever liked Winnie the pooh are now 40.  And all THEIR kids all want to see Cars 2.   

Friends With Benefits:  Because Mila Kunis looks like a wolf?

Cowboys and Aliens:  Hate to state the obvious, but its about cowboys and aliens.

Crazy, Stupid, Love:  I have to say, the only reason I wanted to see this was because they played a Muse song in the trailer.  This is one of those movies that you procrastinate seeing it until its only playing at Shitfuck Theaters in West Bullshit, Nevada.  Its a DVD movie.

The Smurfs:  Because we learned our lesson from "Alvin and the Chipmunks"

See?  This years movies sucked!  We need better movie ideas, because even with our FX and 3D awesome shit, we can't think of a good fucking idea.  Here are some of mine..

Rant's Movie Ideas

1.  Bug-Eyed Alien.  Maybe the name could be less retarded, but a movie where aliens infiltrate seattle and a group of people make their home into a safe-house, defending from aliens and protecting themselves in survival mode.  Sounds awesome right?  I am making this movie.  End of story.

2.  Pencilneck 4.  There will be no Pencilneck 1 through 3.  Only 4.

3.  SuperChetan vs. ThunderJack.  This.  Movie.  Must.  Exist.  (For all you folks out there, its a comic I write.)

4.  Helmet-Man!  Yes, the exclamation point is included in the title.  This movie promotes safety!  Yayy!!

5.  Zombies vs. Vampires-  Sounds awful, but think about it...  "Zombies vs. Vampires- pick a side, or be dead!"  All it needs is a good director and someone who can bang out dozens of terrifically cheesy lines.

6.  Where's Waldo- The Movie-  A man in a striped suit is a fugitive who is constantly being tracked by the government.  However no one can find him.  Because he is Waldo.

7.  Madea Dies and Never Makes Another Movie Ever-  The demographic is white people.

8.  Astronaut Cowboy Leprechaun- This movie will have 13 sequels.

See, Hollywood needs more people like me.  No wonder no one saw movies this year.  Would you rather see "I Don't Know How She Does It", or "Zombies vs. Vampires 3- Sharks are Involved"?

...Rant

The Plus Conundrum

      Why, Google? Why do you toy with us? Why do you make us dream things we can never have? "A social networking site... made by GOOGLE?! That's fantastic! Everyone will love it!" is what went through the mind of a naive young boy at the idea of Goolge+. It was never possible, Google. I'm so sorry. You lead me to believe something that could... never be...

      If you told me you just invented "Google Flight" I'd be dead by now. The NYPD would'vee found me washed up on Coney Island. (Synopsis: I jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge.)
     Google... I have to say it. But with all the duckfacers, erasers, deleters, commenters, smokers, jokers, stalkers, and photographers, with all the replies, snides, denies,  lies, and pi (days), and birthdays, with the 'hey bros' and the 'y'all's hos' and the 'mofo!'s and the 'you know!'s, and with the 'your so pretty!' and the 'zomg!'s and the all people that use Facebook in so many, many ways... you, Google+, just can't stay.
Rhyming is fun.
Google+ is done.
Also, dead in the hearts of millions.

P.S. Google+Nobody≠Good

-rage

Important Questions

Usually I complain about things in a relatively comedic way.  Today, I'm just going to spill out a bunch of questions, funny or unfunny.  These questions come straight from my heart.

-Why is it called "taking a shit",  when thats entirely not what you're doing?  Wouldn't it be called "leaving a shit"?  This ties with the whole blowjob suckjob thing.
-When religious people pray, how does their god know when to listen?  Does he only listen when you're praying?  How can he distinguish a prayer?  Wouldn't he get a ton of false alarms when you say things like "oh my god", or "good god"?  
-Why is there always some kind of huge, mind blowing car/mattress sale going on?
- Why are the people in commercials so clean/loud/bright/fucking annoying?
-Why is Rice-a-Roni the "San Francisco Treat", if its located in Chicago?  What makes it "San Francisco"?
-If churches don't need to pay property taxes, why doesn't everybody make their house into a church?
 -What if your waiter accidentally drooled on your food on the way to your table?  Would he bring it back to the chef, saying "sorry, I drooled on this"?  Wouldn't he avoid the embarrassing situation and give you the food anyway?  I sure would.  I wonder how many times my my food has been accidentally defaced by my waiter.

Think about these.  Answer them if you can.

..rant

Raging Hobbit Growth II- Raging Hobbit Slogan

So, after redesigning the Raging Hobbit header for the trillionth time, I decided that we needed a slogan.  Something short and simple.  Like "I'm lovin' it", or "think outside the bun".  Originally, our slogan was "where the conversation ends", which I thought was pretty good, but not enough people got that it was a play on the New York Times's slogan, "where the conversation begins", so it came of as douchey and pretentious.  Here are a few I came up with off the top of my head.  Your recommendation does not have to be on this list.

"Read our blog or else you're an asshole"
"Official blog of fuck everything"
"Seriously, fuck you."
"We're better than sex"
"We complain so that you don't have to"

I'm kinda leaning towards the last one. I'm trying not to pick a slogan that advertising our blog and being a whiny bunch of assholes posting about things we hate all the time, because we aren't.  Only most of the time.  A really shitty slogan drives people away from the site, but I've gotta say, if I run into a website that has a slogan like "You are a fucking piece of shit", it kinda makes me want to keep reading.  Its that gripping language.  But I'd rather go for something more subtle.  Like "You're probably a fucking piece of shit, but I still want you to read my blog".  Actually, that sounds a lot less subtle than the first one.  See, this is why I need your help!  I can't do this on my own!  The only dilemma that I am currently having is that I'm striving to get more readers, but I don't have any readers to help me find out how to get more readers!  Thats why if YOU, yes you, reading this post, leave a little comment or note as to a great slogan, that would help me out an awful lot!  Where are you, all you stumblers? Come on, you omeggling asians!  Are you still there, or did you all unsubscribe after my last post?  Fire Cat.


...rant

Raging Hobbit Growth

This blog is totally cool and stuff.  The problem is that no one fucking reads our blog.  This occured to me a few weeks ago, when I was designing the template and stuff for this website.  (See that gleaming Raging Hobbit logo up top?  Yeah, that was me. Fuck everyone).  And then there was the App!  The almost-possible Raging Hobbit App!  The one where I designed an app icon, a splash screen, and a cool header, and spent 4 hours putting it on a website that advertised as being "free".  Yeah, but it was 100 dollars.  A year.  Fuck.  Anyway, I looked at all my design shit and I decided that this blog had too much potential to only be read by like 6 assholes who only read it when I tell them to.

So heres what I did.

1.  I spammed the shit out of Omegle with Raging Hobbits name everywhere
2.  I submitted the blog to StumbleUpon.
3.  I sent 20+ angry fuming emails to that fucking App website.

The effects

1.  One asian girl on Omegle told all her asian friends about the site.  Our blog traffic is now 60% yellow.  I hurried back and frantically deleted every asian joke from every Raging Hobbit post.
2. We got many views and likes on Stumbleupon.  One hot girl is now following our blog.
3.  I got a reply message saying "Sorry, your email has been forwarded to an unchecked inbox because we are dedicated cunts."

So I like making lists.  After ranting about some random thing, Teddy told me yesterday to just one day spew out every single thing I hate.  I told him that would take more than one day. Instead of doing that, I'm going to make a list of the first few things that come to mind when I hear "Things Rant Hates".  Here I go.

Rant's "You Go To Hell!" List.

1.  People who walk around with metal detectors.
2.  People who debate about whether cats or dogs are better.
3.  People who jack off on Omegle.
4.  People who use Omegle.
5.  People who can't rip duct tape.
6.  People who spell god "G-d"  because they are snobby shitheaded religious fucks.
6.  People who refer to themselves as "hippies".
7.  People who bring up porn/masturbation as a normal topic of conversation.
8.  People who won't shut the fuck up and let me think.
9.  People who walk around saying facts like "Satan is actually an angel!!"  and think they're cool shit.
10.  People who run at me carrying metal serrated dildos.
11.  Anyone with more than three eyes.
12.  When an Indian kid walks up to me and starts to suck my blood.

There you go.  The first 12 things I think of when I think of things I hate.  An interesting concept.  If we had any readers at all, I'd ask you to make your own hate list below, but no one reads this blog, except for some asians.  U rikEy rice???


...rant

Michael Swordout

   
    God! This guy! Micheal Swordout! He is totally da bomb! I don't know how I could live without Micheal Swordout. Mike's just so awesome. I remember once, I was out drinking, because I am 21 years of age. And Mike was all like "WASSUP!" And we were all like, "NO WAY! MIKEY!!" And we bro hugged until 4:00am, when we were escorted out by the people who owned the bar.
     Mike and I, right, ya know, right. We had the same job, right? Ya know. Anyway, our boss was all like, "Rage and Mr. Swordout! Come into my office!" and we totally did, right. I know. And he was all pissed and shit. And he said, "Did you eat company food? Myah! I'm an asshole!" (I should mention I worked at Burger King.) And I was all like, "No way, bro!" (I totally did though) and our Boss was all like, "You're fired! I like dick in my ass! Myah!!!" And Mikey essploaded all over our Bossman! He was all like, "Fuck you, Bossman! I don't even know your name, bro! Fuck you! I had sex wid your wife!!" And I was like, "OOOOHHHH SHIT!!!" Ya know I mean? And the bossman was all like... shocked and shit. And Mikey beat him up with his computer. He bleed a lot. I was like... covered in the Bossman's blood. Then Mikey made me run away and we burned his house down and some shit. Mikey's a badass. Like toats.
    Another time I was baking cookies with Mikey, and it was really awkward because we had nothing to talk about.
    All of Mikey's friends are either stupid or angstsacks.
    BUT MIKEY!!! The SWORDMAN'S DA BOOOOOOMMMB!!!! He's sooo cool! If I could legally marry him, I would. If I could somehow get impregnated me, I would let him do it, at the most 14 times... maybe 16. I would make a family with him. And Live in a Cape Cod on Long Island. And life would be good. And the days would be long. We would waste them together. We would teach our kids how to bike and fish and—HEY! Whatchyu lookin' at, nigga!!?? I diden mean none dat, nigga! I'm not a fag, nigga! Mikey's just da shit. Man. Ya know I mean.

...rage

Radiohead and Shit

If theres anything I really hate about iTunes, its the reviews.  People who give one star because their download didn't work correctly.  People who give 5 stars because they like one song on the whole album.  People who give one star to be a contrarian.  People who give 5 stars because they are pretentious.  The whole system is fucked up.  I was browsing through Radiohead albums on iTunes, and i noticed that Pablo Honey (highly regarded as Radiohead's best album), had only 4 stars, compared to the others, which usually have 4 and a half or 5.  And heres why.  Scrolling down to the negative reviews, every single one said how the clean version of Creep (Radiohead's most popular song) was "album only".  Everyone was putting one star saying "i want to buy the clean version for my children because they like the song and it says fuck once in it and i cant let that happen because they're going to start blowing up buildings fuckfuckfuck".   First of all, Pablo Honey was originally not released with a clean version.  Be lucky you even have one.  Its a BONUS track guys.  Pablo Honey appears on itunes exactly as it does normally. except they ADDED a song, so they can do whatever the fuck they want with it.  They even let you buy the normal creep all buy itself!  Just like every other song!  Cover your kids ears when the guy says fuck.  Second, that isn't even a reason to give something one star!  Because obviously you like the album!  What good does giving one star do?  The star rating system relates to the album itself, not how itunes chooses to sell the album.  "Oh, look, itunes misspelled "misery" in Maroon 5's new album.  ONE STAR!"  "On the white stripes's debut album, itunes wrote "jimmy the explorer" instead of "jimmy the exploder".  ONE STAR!"  Fuck you.  Itunes isn't going to say "wow, this guy gave Pablo Honey one star, guess we better make clean creep available as a single!  Pablo Honey is a good album.  Just buy all of it, then you get your pussy version of creep.  I haven't even asked yet why people want creep to be clean?  It was written with the word "fuck" in it, deal with it.  Buy your kids some Justin Bieber, then you don't need to cry about when theres a bad word in a song.  Your kid probably hears the word "fuck" a lot.   Just explain to them why it was OK for them to say "fuck" in that instance.  OR just don't buy them the song, if  you're that much of a helicopter parent.  Just because Radiohead says a bad word, they aren't going to become some sort of deviant and start fucking the dog.

...rant

Ultimate Rant Time

Random Musings

-Why don't emo/scene kids just kill themselves? that way, both of us would be happy.  Does that not make perfect sense?
-Why is it called a "blow-job" when there is no blowing involved?  It should be called a "suckjob".  Actually, its not a job, because they don't get paid (usually).  It should just be called a suck.  "Dianne gave me a suck last night."  Sounds much better.

-Facebook should have a button next to "poke" that just blows the persons head up.

-Why do I keep having bizarre dreams about liz katriel?  I'm starting to get worried.

-Whenever i'm in montana, i keep seeing signs that say "the testicle festival is coming". anyone care to explain what the fuck that is?

-If you look at a picture of someone long enough, they look stupid.  Ikidyounot.

-If i were a fireman, i could just beat the shit out of people and no one would mind.

-Movies like "piranha 3D and "shark night" really make me wonder.. if I made a movie called "people fuck and die in 3D", how many people would see it? Did I just come up with a really good idea?

-When people are put to death, they should be made into burgers. Precious meat is going to waste.  Actually, everyone who dies should be made into a burger.

-There should be a skyscraper with a giant slide attached to it. and a diving board.

-Theres nothing worse than listening to someone else playing bad music and try to explain why you should like it

-Fuck "texarkana". if i hear one more country song that says something like "hrmm ghmm goin down to texarkana", I'm going punch someone in the lip.

-Whenever i see rainbows, the colors aren't in the correct order. and I always had to remember that stupid color order. fuck rainbows. rainbows eat shit.

-"Paul McCartney is dead". no he isn't, fuck you.

Demographics

-Child leashes- parents who make their children shit in litterboxes.

-Energy drinks- people who like to spend money and think they're getting energy.

-Blu-ray- people who think they're better than everyone else.

-Music genres ending in 'core'- people who pretend to want to kill themselves.

-The "Friends with Benefits" movie- people who weren't satisfied with "No Strings Attached"

-Zune- fuckfaces and mete.

Conversations that never seem to take place

Jack- "Bob is such an honest person.  He never says mean or dirty things."

Dianne- "Bob is 12 months old"

Jack- "Yeah I know, he's a great guy."

Dianne- "I just finished burying John.  I had to chloroform him first.  Help me wash this dirt off my clothes."

Jack- " Make sure the dogs don't dig him up again."

Jack- "Dianne, you're going to give me a blow job right now.  Then you're going to take me to Hooters and say nothing as I watch sports and stare at other women."

Dianne- "Ok, I'll go get my purse."

Dianne- "Jack, make sure you're in the building this time when the bomb on your chest goes off"

Jack- "Dianne, don't kill that Australian Ghost Catshark.  Its endangered." 

Dianne- "But Jack, we're almost out of Dinosaur!"

Jack- "Make sure they shoot you in the neck this time, not the stomach."

Dianne- "Last time they shot me in the stomach."

Things people seem to think I care about

-Economy plus- no one gives two shits about five extra inches of legroom. that only lets be extend my knees about 12 degrees more. what i need is more space to recline my seat.

-Movies in HD- i can barely tell the difference. itunes charges you 5 extra dollars to see Hermionie's eyebrow hairs better.

-More minutes for your phone- according to verizon, ive used about 1/19th of the minutes I have. I dont like talking to people on the phone. I have a shit ton of minutes, I dont need any more. so stop with the annoying commercials with the families and the clocks. fuck minutes, I don't give a shit.

-A flashlight with my snuggie- I don't want a flashlight.  I don't even want a snuggie.  Half the commercial is about the flashlight.

3 things I don't want my dentist to say while he is pulling my tooth.

-"we're out of anesthetic, you're just gonna have to tough this one out"

-"after this procedure, you may not eat or drink for 48 hours"

-"i'm going to tie you up and rape you"

 Why do people think they can play harmonica? every time someone sees a harmonica, they pick it up and expect themselves to play an actual tune. harmonica is not as easy as it looks. I only know one person who can play harmonica. (bob dylan). Same with juggling. Everyone says 'oh, i can juggle a little', and then they throw a bunch of balls in the air and drop them. Same with double-jointedness. Everyone overuses the phrase "double jointed". just because you can bend your thumb back a little further than some people, you aren't double jointed. fuck you. You cannot play harmonica, you cannot juggle, and you are not double jointed.

My Great Ideas

A skyscraper with a slide on it.  I’m not backing down on that one.

A Water-Bike.  I've even drawn a sketch of it.

Turning the Hearst Castle into a hotel.

My Ideas That Went to Shit

Psalm trees.  Trees that grow bibles.

Sheryl Crows- bird shaped speakers that play "Soak up the Sun" and "If it Makes you Happy"

A new politically correct term for African Americans- "Blackheads"

Turning Alcatraz into a hotel.

Why does everyone say that they knew about a song before it was popular, and they think I care? A lot of the time they're just being pretentious. take Fireflies by owl city. Every time i play that song, someone says "i knew that song before it was popular". I know at least 15 people who said this. just how many people can know a song before its popular? by definition, not that many. On the facebook page "I knew that song before it was popular", the wall is ridden with people saying "fireflies by owl city". no. go back to your corner and masturbate.

I shit on the amazing spiderman. why remake a movie that came out only 10 years ago? and with worse/more ugly actors? Charlie sheen's dad? What the fuck? No sam raimi? What the fuck x2? The trailer sucks, too. When spiderman is running across the buildings, it looks like a 16-bit video game. Spiderman is gay, too. A lot of superheroes suck.  Catwoman is annoying. Superman is lame, and Captain America is too old/retro. Hulk is ugly. I bet i can come up with a bunch of with a bunch of cool superheroes. Razor-man. Shark-man. Safety-man (maybe not).

I personally think there aren't enough movies where really famous celebrities die. They always live, or die honorably. I want to see Ashton Kutcher go through a meat grinder. Or Christina Applegate getting her head twisted off. Or Mel Gibson running into a building and blowing himself up. Then we can watch the celebrities die, and pretend its real. It would be fun! It would be even better if they actually killed the celebrities on the set. 'Ok Ashton! just jump into the spinning blades, its just a prop, don't worry!' That way we would have really high quality footage. its like a plane crash at an air show. You get the best quality footage. There should really be more snuff films. Shot in 3D. "Macaulay Culkin Actually Dies in 3D".

Fuck This!

fuck stuffed crust

fuck bad sunscreen

fuck food that tastes like sunscreen

fuck covers of pink floyd songs

fuck whole grain food

fuck the MPAA

fuck automatic toilets

fuck Motley Crue

fuck people who don't like steely dan.

fuck service berries

fuck bad sunflower seeds

fuck stupid little whores in malls.

fuck Arthur Leigh Allen.

fuck "refrigerate after opening".  I fucking hate cold salsa.  Keep it in the pantry.

Things I actually like/can tolerate

Superhero movie reboots

Gay people who don't act really really gay

songs with faded endings

when i sit next to a hot girl on an airplane

when i get lots of money.

vaginas.

Itunes Top Charts as of June 5th 2011

1. Moves like Jagger- Maroon 5. a few things to say about this song. one, its not very good. People are only buying it because its a new M5 song, which leads me to the next thing, what the fuck is this Hands All Over re-release? Ive had this album for over a year now, why did itunes release it again? the only thing thats different is that they added moves like jagger and misspelled "misery".

2. Party Rock Anthem- LMFAO. this band is straight up shit. so is this song. Its not even catchy, or anything...in fact, it is incredibly annoying. It kind of sounds like they're making it up as they sing it.

3. Lighters (feat. Bruno Mars)- Bad Meets Evil. As soon as i previewed the song, i heard Eminems voice and instantly knew why it was on this list. Add eminem to anything and get money. You could actually compose thats a guy shitting into a mic, and at the end have eminem say "fuck", and your song will end up in the top three spots on itunes.

4. Pumped up Kicks- Foster the People. In the spring, i heard this song in so cal on an unknown station, and i thought it was ok so i downloaded it. on itunes, it had no reviews and pretty much looked liked no one had bought the song, ever. yes, i knew this song long before it was popular, but dont go calling me a hypocrite; if anyone else ever says the same about this song, i will fight them to the death. i was the first person to ever buy this song on itunes. fuck you.

5. Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)- Katy Perry. this song sucks, fuck katy perry. am i the only one who remembers when katy perry made funny/quirky songs? i liked that.

6. How to Love- Lil Wayne. Holy shit! a lil wayne song where he doesn't say "pussy", "fuck", "nigga", and doesn't laugh weirdly! Well, this song is ok.

7. Tonight Tonight- Hot Chelle Rae. When i say the name of the band, i assumed it was a mexican rapper and i previewed it expecting something like 'lean like a cholo'. instead what i got was my macbook actually taking a huge shit. it was the first time that ever happened. It just sounded way, way, too white. even for me. The lyrics are fucking stupid. It kind of sounds like lyrics you were making up to make fun of a song. actual lyrics- "la, la, la, whatever, la, la, la". gAy!!

8. Super Bass- Nicki Minaj. I have complained about Nicki Minaj since the land before time. Have you seen her ass? does she go to sports authority, buy two basketballs and put them down her pants? did she get them surgically attached? and her song just good "boomadoom doom supah bass!". shes also incredibly ugly.

9. I Wanna Go- Britney Spears. this song should be higher on the list. im ashamed to admit it, but i have a special spot for britney spears music. Its more catchy and smart than other pop songs. She's also incredibly hot. when she has hair.

10. Give Me Everything (feat. Ne-yo, Afrojack & Nayer)- Pitbull. for a second, i thought pitbull name was actually "Feat. Pitbull". i had no idea he made his own songs. This one is ok, when is comparison to other pop songs. Maybe its just because theres a guy in the song named "Afrojack". thats a cool name. I might name one of of my kids afrojack.

You may be wondering (but probably not) why the picture is of Bane from the Dark Knight Rises. Its because that movie is going to kick fucking ass.

...Rant