The Plus Conundrum

      Why, Google? Why do you toy with us? Why do you make us dream things we can never have? "A social networking site... made by GOOGLE?! That's fantastic! Everyone will love it!" is what went through the mind of a naive young boy at the idea of Goolge+. It was never possible, Google. I'm so sorry. You lead me to believe something that could... never be...

      If you told me you just invented "Google Flight" I'd be dead by now. The NYPD would'vee found me washed up on Coney Island. (Synopsis: I jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge.)
     Google... I have to say it. But with all the duckfacers, erasers, deleters, commenters, smokers, jokers, stalkers, and photographers, with all the replies, snides, denies,  lies, and pi (days), and birthdays, with the 'hey bros' and the 'y'all's hos' and the 'mofo!'s and the 'you know!'s, and with the 'your so pretty!' and the 'zomg!'s and the all people that use Facebook in so many, many ways... you, Google+, just can't stay.
Rhyming is fun.
Google+ is done.
Also, dead in the hearts of millions.

P.S. Google+Nobody≠Good

-rage

Important Questions

Usually I complain about things in a relatively comedic way.  Today, I'm just going to spill out a bunch of questions, funny or unfunny.  These questions come straight from my heart.

-Why is it called "taking a shit",  when thats entirely not what you're doing?  Wouldn't it be called "leaving a shit"?  This ties with the whole blowjob suckjob thing.
-When religious people pray, how does their god know when to listen?  Does he only listen when you're praying?  How can he distinguish a prayer?  Wouldn't he get a ton of false alarms when you say things like "oh my god", or "good god"?  
-Why is there always some kind of huge, mind blowing car/mattress sale going on?
- Why are the people in commercials so clean/loud/bright/fucking annoying?
-Why is Rice-a-Roni the "San Francisco Treat", if its located in Chicago?  What makes it "San Francisco"?
-If churches don't need to pay property taxes, why doesn't everybody make their house into a church?
 -What if your waiter accidentally drooled on your food on the way to your table?  Would he bring it back to the chef, saying "sorry, I drooled on this"?  Wouldn't he avoid the embarrassing situation and give you the food anyway?  I sure would.  I wonder how many times my my food has been accidentally defaced by my waiter.

Think about these.  Answer them if you can.

..rant

Raging Hobbit Growth II- Raging Hobbit Slogan

So, after redesigning the Raging Hobbit header for the trillionth time, I decided that we needed a slogan.  Something short and simple.  Like "I'm lovin' it", or "think outside the bun".  Originally, our slogan was "where the conversation ends", which I thought was pretty good, but not enough people got that it was a play on the New York Times's slogan, "where the conversation begins", so it came of as douchey and pretentious.  Here are a few I came up with off the top of my head.  Your recommendation does not have to be on this list.

"Read our blog or else you're an asshole"
"Official blog of fuck everything"
"Seriously, fuck you."
"We're better than sex"
"We complain so that you don't have to"

I'm kinda leaning towards the last one. I'm trying not to pick a slogan that advertising our blog and being a whiny bunch of assholes posting about things we hate all the time, because we aren't.  Only most of the time.  A really shitty slogan drives people away from the site, but I've gotta say, if I run into a website that has a slogan like "You are a fucking piece of shit", it kinda makes me want to keep reading.  Its that gripping language.  But I'd rather go for something more subtle.  Like "You're probably a fucking piece of shit, but I still want you to read my blog".  Actually, that sounds a lot less subtle than the first one.  See, this is why I need your help!  I can't do this on my own!  The only dilemma that I am currently having is that I'm striving to get more readers, but I don't have any readers to help me find out how to get more readers!  Thats why if YOU, yes you, reading this post, leave a little comment or note as to a great slogan, that would help me out an awful lot!  Where are you, all you stumblers? Come on, you omeggling asians!  Are you still there, or did you all unsubscribe after my last post?  Fire Cat.


...rant

Raging Hobbit Growth

This blog is totally cool and stuff.  The problem is that no one fucking reads our blog.  This occured to me a few weeks ago, when I was designing the template and stuff for this website.  (See that gleaming Raging Hobbit logo up top?  Yeah, that was me. Fuck everyone).  And then there was the App!  The almost-possible Raging Hobbit App!  The one where I designed an app icon, a splash screen, and a cool header, and spent 4 hours putting it on a website that advertised as being "free".  Yeah, but it was 100 dollars.  A year.  Fuck.  Anyway, I looked at all my design shit and I decided that this blog had too much potential to only be read by like 6 assholes who only read it when I tell them to.

So heres what I did.

1.  I spammed the shit out of Omegle with Raging Hobbits name everywhere
2.  I submitted the blog to StumbleUpon.
3.  I sent 20+ angry fuming emails to that fucking App website.

The effects

1.  One asian girl on Omegle told all her asian friends about the site.  Our blog traffic is now 60% yellow.  I hurried back and frantically deleted every asian joke from every Raging Hobbit post.
2. We got many views and likes on Stumbleupon.  One hot girl is now following our blog.
3.  I got a reply message saying "Sorry, your email has been forwarded to an unchecked inbox because we are dedicated cunts."

So I like making lists.  After ranting about some random thing, Teddy told me yesterday to just one day spew out every single thing I hate.  I told him that would take more than one day. Instead of doing that, I'm going to make a list of the first few things that come to mind when I hear "Things Rant Hates".  Here I go.

Rant's "You Go To Hell!" List.

1.  People who walk around with metal detectors.
2.  People who debate about whether cats or dogs are better.
3.  People who jack off on Omegle.
4.  People who use Omegle.
5.  People who can't rip duct tape.
6.  People who spell god "G-d"  because they are snobby shitheaded religious fucks.
6.  People who refer to themselves as "hippies".
7.  People who bring up porn/masturbation as a normal topic of conversation.
8.  People who won't shut the fuck up and let me think.
9.  People who walk around saying facts like "Satan is actually an angel!!"  and think they're cool shit.
10.  People who run at me carrying metal serrated dildos.
11.  Anyone with more than three eyes.
12.  When an Indian kid walks up to me and starts to suck my blood.

There you go.  The first 12 things I think of when I think of things I hate.  An interesting concept.  If we had any readers at all, I'd ask you to make your own hate list below, but no one reads this blog, except for some asians.  U rikEy rice???


...rant

Michael Swordout

   
    God! This guy! Micheal Swordout! He is totally da bomb! I don't know how I could live without Micheal Swordout. Mike's just so awesome. I remember once, I was out drinking, because I am 21 years of age. And Mike was all like "WASSUP!" And we were all like, "NO WAY! MIKEY!!" And we bro hugged until 4:00am, when we were escorted out by the people who owned the bar.
     Mike and I, right, ya know, right. We had the same job, right? Ya know. Anyway, our boss was all like, "Rage and Mr. Swordout! Come into my office!" and we totally did, right. I know. And he was all pissed and shit. And he said, "Did you eat company food? Myah! I'm an asshole!" (I should mention I worked at Burger King.) And I was all like, "No way, bro!" (I totally did though) and our Boss was all like, "You're fired! I like dick in my ass! Myah!!!" And Mikey essploaded all over our Bossman! He was all like, "Fuck you, Bossman! I don't even know your name, bro! Fuck you! I had sex wid your wife!!" And I was like, "OOOOHHHH SHIT!!!" Ya know I mean? And the bossman was all like... shocked and shit. And Mikey beat him up with his computer. He bleed a lot. I was like... covered in the Bossman's blood. Then Mikey made me run away and we burned his house down and some shit. Mikey's a badass. Like toats.
    Another time I was baking cookies with Mikey, and it was really awkward because we had nothing to talk about.
    All of Mikey's friends are either stupid or angstsacks.
    BUT MIKEY!!! The SWORDMAN'S DA BOOOOOOMMMB!!!! He's sooo cool! If I could legally marry him, I would. If I could somehow get impregnated me, I would let him do it, at the most 14 times... maybe 16. I would make a family with him. And Live in a Cape Cod on Long Island. And life would be good. And the days would be long. We would waste them together. We would teach our kids how to bike and fish and—HEY! Whatchyu lookin' at, nigga!!?? I diden mean none dat, nigga! I'm not a fag, nigga! Mikey's just da shit. Man. Ya know I mean.

...rage