Fat Critics

Ever seen a really promising movie trailer and you can't wait to see the movie...then you see the reviews? Movie critics are fat assholes whose job it is to simply watch movies and talk about them. So naturally, they're fat. Although I hate fat people a lot, that isn't the reason I hate movie critics. They are so negative. Who wants to read something where a guy is just ranting about everything he hates? They always have something BAD to say. They watch movies prepared to say something bad about them. Whats the point of even having movie critics anyway? When you see a movie, YOU decide whether its good or not, why do you need some fat drooling asshole to change your mind? Possibly worse than movie critics are food critics. Naturally, they are even fatter, because their job is to eat and talk about food. But food critics vary more so than movie critics do. The "best" food critics are the Italian skinny ones that drink wine and eat olives and start writing stupid poetry about the food and use all these smilies and metaphors or whatever and you can't understand what it says. The lowbrow fatass food "critics" who just want an excuse to eat for a living are all fat, and NONE of them are Italian. I did a quick google search for the phrase "food critic", and the first thing that came up was "wikiHow- How to become a food critic!" Excellent! Lets say I'm a fat kid who loves to eat and wants to eat for a career, lets get started! "If you enjoy tasting a wide variety of foods"...(blah blah blah fat fat fat blah diabetes) "...and love to write, this may be the perfect career for you". If you already have pulled up the link, take note of the images of people stuffing their faces with food. And you always wondered why food critics preferred to be anonymous. They don't want everyone to know the truth behind food critics. Meh, I think I'll pass. I hate movie critics and food critics, they all fall into the same general category of people who can't find a job that doesn't involve doing things they would do on their own time anyway. (i.e. eating, watching movies).

Author's notes-

I personally photoshopped that picture. See what I do for my fans?

In case you didn't get it, at the beginning of the post, I was referring to Nightmare on Elm Street...

Its Ironic how food critics are fat, if you think about it, its almost as ironic as fat doctors and fat gym teachers.

...Rat

Pepperidge Farms.

A little on Pepperidge Farms. I ran out of double chocolate Milanos the other day, so I decided to make some of my own. On my empty Milano bag, there is a section called, Art Of The Cookie®. Its basically a recipe. Perfect! But not perfect! This is what the recipe was..

Art Of The Cookie®

Begin with a baker's soul. Seek the finest ingredients. Explore Nature's infinite variety of flavors and textures-

Sweet...crunchy...rich... oh, and chocolate. Entertain inspirations. Embrace decadent cravings.

Reward yourself.

Open...taste...delight.

Hm? So I decided to call Pepperidge Farms and ask them about it. Unfortunately, they said they were closed, but didn't say what time they were open. So I called Nabisco, maybe they could help. I didn't realize that they were owned by Kraft. Kraft was pissy and mean and didn't give any information. I called Pepperidge Farms nice and early the next day. The first guy I talked to asked to talk to my parents. I told him they were dead and I hung up on him. The next woman asked me for my age, so she could "address me properly" since when do you address people by their ages? "Hey, 23"..."Yooo....22, whats upppp?". Anyway I ended the call. These were the things I was going to say.

Begin with a baker's soul. What does this mean? Do you have to take it from him? Does he die when you get it? Do you need like a soul reaper to get it for you? Where the hell is the soul anyway? Maybe I'll just cut him open and look around for a soul. The devil has plenty of souls, maybe I can ask him for one he got from a baker. I've already embraced decadent cravings, explored natures infinite variety of flavors and textures, and I have definitely rewarded myself! Its the baker's soul thats the problem. My adaption of Milanos did not go accordingly. I took two slices of bread and put sugar on them, with Nutella in the middle. I baked it at 470˚F, but when I took it out, the bread and nutella didnt taste very good and the sugar fell off when i removed it from the oven. Please help me make Milanos!

BTW, have any of you noticed that weird bump thing on every milano? what is that?

...Rant

Serets Exposed: Rant is in The Klan!

Rant and co, Circa 1956; Far right in way back

That's right. I gave up on arguing. To tired. All that matters is, I decided to dig some dirt up and found the one unmasked man in the picture, the suspicious one way back to the far right with the cold, pale, unblinking blue eyes is none other than the nefarious Rant. Wreaking havoc and waging war on America, the Grand Poo-bah turns out to be one of our own. I've pinned up a list of hate crimes he's been filed for on his trek across the country wreaking havoc on the "unworthy."

+ 1957 - Busted for hanging "color television"

+ Classified 1958-77

+ 1979 - Rapped for murdering twelve children in church explosion

+ 1988 - Killed a boy named "Martin Lawrence" and hired a recruit bad comedian to take his place... also sparked the rise of skin spray-painting and the Blue Man Group

(Don't tell me when the Blue Man Group really started, I don't care.)

+ 1991 - Poisoned a police offer: Spiked his big mac with AIDs blood instead of ketchup

+ 2001 - Sparked a holy war by crashing a few planes somewhere, blaming it on the "inferoids"

+ 2007 - Killed British Ambassador during a tea party: Quoted "This is America, we have COFFEE parties!"

His history is brutal, but know this 80 year old man is extremely dangerous, owns a compound in Waco, Texas, and is a registered sex offender. Stay away from Rant, or should I say Klant? How about shant? This is the 21st century, douchebag! Oh, and Dinosaurs ARE real!

-Rage

Derp II

Rant: Defending Raging Hobbit free will for 7 months!

1. THATS BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID

2. So you have no response for me?

3. The what..?

4. ^^That was a necessity^^

5. Until you play the game, you cannot discover the brilliance.

6. Potus game? What?

5. AHA! I see your ability to argue is quickly deteriorating! "That wasn't me....."

6. ITS FUNNY BECAUSE JACK IS FAT

7. Then I am your father, so I can legally kill you.

I can see a chain of longer posts developing...

1. You are a cancer baby. If you were my child I would have had you aborted.

2. *Proof that you hire poor Oriental boys to write for you. I know you don't speak chinese!*

3. INDEED

4. More proof that your argumentative skills are deteriorating.

5. INDEED

6. YOU ARE THE FAT ONE WHO COLLECTS COAT HANGERS FROM THE CHANGING ROOM FLOORS AND HANGS THE SHIRTS BACK UP.

7. True that but you still looked it up on Jack's laptop.

8. YES YES YES YOU DO

9. I would prefer not to dwell on Rage's 10th topic, so I'll remove it from the list.

This post is long.

10. I do make very good fried rice..

9. That's actually not my fried rice recipe! I got it off Epicurious.com!

8. CANDLES DO NOT HAVE GENITALIA.

7. That may be the way you like to play it...but my way is different.

6. What, the candle? CANDLES DO NOT HAVE GENITALIA!

5. I am a clean bastard child!

4. I don't stub my toes! I am a dignified imposing man!

3. That actually had nothing to do with me, but ok!

2. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080508174238AAoAqWy

1. If hot dogs were in a fridge, they wouldn't be very hot, would they? Eh? EEHH?

...Rant

I don't HAVE any children! Suck on that!

Here comes the Gettysburg fucking address!

1. No! I don't remember!

2.

3. You started the "dick lick?"

4. ^^That was a necessity^^

5. I can't possibly imagine.

6. The potus game?

5. That wasn't me...

6. If I am fat... then Jack is OBESE.

7. Well, that teaches you a lesson in protected sex.

Discrediting lies:

1. It's a serious disease! Fuck you! Why don't you make fun of cancer babies too?

2. 他們還有什麼地方會找到工作？

3. I have a vagina?

4. In your dreams, milfoid!

5. Rage can't ride a bike. This is actually true.

6. I'm the sexy shirtless gay guy who stands to greet the middle aged women as they walk through the doorway.

7. That's Nick, dumbass.

8. NO! NO! NO I DON'T!

9. I'm a good person. I'll give you a #10.

10. I have HUGE nuts!

Now here are 10 things about Rant you don't want to know. Countdown again.

10. He has special fried rice.

9. He got it from masturbating with candle wax and it went up his dick hole. And you know how the candle wax got it? Jack.

8. HE HAD SEX WITH A CANDLE.

7. "Monkey Monkey Rhino" is a sex game in which two men pile on top of one drag queen and they get it rough until someones "bone" breaks off.

6. He was busted for indecent exposure after fucking it with an Ostrich in public.

5. He is a filthy bastard child!

4. He screams "FUCKING VAGINA!" when he stubs his toe. As if.

3. I don't make Cock Norris jokes.

2. He has ORAL herpes. ORAL. (From a dog.)

1. Don't eat the hot dogs in his fridge.

-Rage

Derp

Ha! Guess what? Rage's retaliation to my lightbulb post has sparked the second Rant-Rage altercation. Remember the flamingos? This means Raging Hobbit Civil War.

1. I remember when you told the joke, and no one laughed! I still don't remember what the joke was, but it only momentous when I told it! I remember that!

2. I never said anything about quoting it, I'm talking about reading it. I hadn't even mentioned quoting it! I don't quote comics! Only people like Nick and Teddy do!

3. Its funny because when I had a Formspring, only 3 other people had it, so it wasn't for people who spend their days looking up blue waffle and then taking a tube of toothpaste and squeezing it out on the underside of their infinitesimally small penis while licking their arm hair!

4. ^^That was a necessity^^

5. YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY NEVER UNVEILED THE INTRINSIC NATURE AND SIGNIFICANCE BEHIND MONKEY MONKEY RHINO.

6. Its like the penis game. But better.

5. I went back to 5 again to test the inner brain of Raging Hobbit Readers. You failed, because you did not realize that. If Chocolate Rain is so bad, that must be why you sent me the youtube link on Facebook chat saying "LoL lUuk At tHiIss fUNyyyy shHiIit!"

6. Hm? Its funny because you are fat!

7. If you are the Raging Hobbit, then I made you, and thats friggin disgusting!

Now I will list 10 things about Rage that you don't want to know and didn't know before and you will know now because I am making a list of them!

1. Rage has Mad Cow Disease.

2. Rage hires poor Chinese boys to write his posts and pays them minimum wage.

3. Rage has blue waffle.

4. Rage has kittens and secretly makes love to them.

5. Rage can't ride a bike. This is actually true.

6. Rage works at Abercrombie.

7. Rage tells people to Google "animal porn", and also searches it on your computer when you aren't there. This is also very true.

8. Rage tells Chuck Norris jokes.

9. I will purposefully aggravate you by not having a number 10 on this list!

...Rant

Fuck you.

This means war you filthy cock-sucking-animal-fucker.

1. That happens to everyone. There's no such thing as a watermark for a joke. You can't label it. It's happened to me. That's why I never telecast my good ideas anymore. I made that resolution on FRIDAY. I did it FIRST!

2. No, you're wrong. You're totally wrong. The point I was trying to make, either way, is that quoting to it isn't funny. References aren't even that funny! Flame is funny! Flame is not lame!

3. Formspring is for people who spend their days looking up blue waffle and then taking a tube of toothepaste and squeezing it out on the underside of their infinitesimally small penis while licking their arm hair.

4. Never heard that one. Never said it either.

5. GAY! YOU QUEEROID! WHAT THE FUCK?

6. ?

5. Remember the first post says I hate people who can't count? It's SEVEN. Douchebag. And BTW, Chocolate Rain SUCKS.

6. Referring to the Hangover, eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? EH?

6. I AM the Raging Hobbit.

Now here are six things I made up. And I'll do a countdown because I am AWESOME.

6. Jesus. I made up the whole Bible. It started as a silly joke but all those crazy white people started taking it seriously. I decided to humor them and write revelations too. Dumbasses. (The Koran is the best part!)

5. The rhino-fuck-fuck-get-on-top-of-the-Asian game. Also known as Hungry Hungry Hippos.

4. Jewish stereotypes. Half of them are mine.

3. Figure skating. A great way for men to get the gay out of themselves, and for women to get killed. The less the better. They kill themselves off pretty good by driving though.

2. Penis.

1. You, Rant. I made you.

-Rage

Its Funny Because He's Fat

Because I have an important project I need to finish up, I am just going to list things that people say/do, that I made up or made famous or knew about before anyone else. Then when I told them that I was the first person to do/say that, they don't believe me.

1. Teddy once told an amazingly funny joke that I had told him. Then he told me that Rage told him the joke, even though I told rage the joke too. I don't remember what the joke is, but it it was so funny I actually fell down laughing.

2. Everybody reads Pearls Before Swine. None of my friends read it until I told them about it. Now they all say they've been reading it for ages.

3. Formspring. I was like the third person in the world to make a formspring. No joke.

4. "That was a necessity" I don't say it anymore, but I made it up. Now everyone is saying it.

5. The monkey monkey rhino game. If you don't know about it, just know that it is the best game ever and I made it up.

6. The name game. Another game that no one believes I made up.

5. Chocolate Rain. I saw that video when it had about 20,000 views. Now it has over 50 million.

6. "Its funny because he's fat!" I used to say this a lot, they even used it in The Hangover! Now whenever I say it, everyone thinks I'm quoting The Hangover.

6. The Raging Hobbit. I made it up!

...Rant

Making fun of animals....

Huhuhuhuh....FU Penguin! Huhuhuhuh! Funny! It's funny cuz Penguins R c00l!

Well you know what? Fuck you, human. Fuck you. Animals were here first. If you really want to fuck a penguin, go right ahead! And while you're at it, publish a book for $6.99 that you can get entirely free on the internet. Imagine, you and your huge, hairy nards teabagging a cute little penguin. I got a movie for you, it's called Happy Feet! It's honestly not funny. You take a picture of any animal, and then you just make rude comments! And half of you are kittens lovers! It's not even comedy! It's just so easy to do that you think you're funny. Here, I'll give it a go.

Hey! Baby ocelot! Suck my dick! Yeah you! Why don't you take your furryass gofer teeth and start nomming on cock! Yeah! My cock! I bet you'd like that because you're a stupid little animal! And maybe I'll molest you too! That's right, you stupid animal! I'm the man! I'm the man! Get up there you stupid animal! Get up there! Mmmm! That's right! Because you're a stupid animal!

Well from now on, I've decided to hunt down every human being who's ever raped an animal. Anywhere from that drunk french guy who got oral from a raccoon to Sarah Palin who took it down on that moose.

It's simply unbelievable that so many people think it's enjoyable to take a picture of a baby animal and then start beating on it. It's like people who think they're great jokesters, future comedians, but all they do is make references to pop culture shit or just blurt out quotes from "The Hangover." Everyone knows that real comedy comes when you take those same references, but then start ripping on them and the people who refer to them.

Anyway, I was prompted to do this when I was walking down the street and saw some faggot lying naked on the road fucking it with an ostrich. There was a huge white puddle on the floor, and then there's just pubes all over the place. I call over to him "Hey douchebag! Stop raping that ostrich!" So you know what he does? He starts screaming at me and then shoots at me with an M16. So now it gets out of hand. I realize how close violence and sex are. Now I know that people with guns not only hunt animals, but try to make superhuman ostrich babies with them too. Now as cool as it would be to have half-human-half-ostrich people running around, fucking animals is a tradition long past. Remember centaurs? That's what happens when you buttfuck a horse. It's a dead craze as old as incest. Only hillbillies commit incest, and you know what? Hillbillies are also the people who shoot and rape animals!

It makes perfect sense.

-Rage

Fat Pirates

You never see fat pirates...

...Rant

Toxic Cars and Cancer Babies

Have you ever been in a car, like inside of one, with leather seats? The whole car has this smell that makes you nauseated. I don't know if its like the chemicals they use in the seat or whatever, but it makes me want to throw up, and I get carsickness as SOON as I get in the car. I will never buy a car with leather seats. Although, all of the best cars have leather seats. I might just have to keep the window open whenever I'm in the car, or wear a gas mask or something. When I'm in a car for a few hours, the last thing I want is to breath in fumes and be sick the whole time. A Maybach, I could use one of those. Lets see what Wikipedia has to say.

Both the scent and what produces it vary somewhat in different kinds of cars. Most of the interior of an automobile consists of plastic held together with a number ofadhesives and sealers. When the car is first manufactured, these materials are left slightly unstable, and continue to release volatile organic compounds into the air afterward (cf. outgassing). These fumes may also come from phthalates and other plastic-softening chemicals (plasticizers) that evaporate (or outgas) over time.

Scientists who have studied the chemicals released recommend keeping new cars well ventilated while driving, especially during the summer. A 1995 analysis^[1] of the air from a new Lincoln Continental found over 50 volatile organic compounds, which were identified as coming from sources such as cleaning and lubricatingcompounds, paint, carpeting, leather and vinyl treatments, latex glue, and gasoline and exhaust fumes. An analysis two months after the initial one found a significant reduction in the chemicals. The researchers observed that the potential toxicity of many of these compounds could pose a danger to human health.

Now although I have no idea what the hell that meant, I did get one part, many of these compounds may pose a danger to human health. SEE? Not only does it smell like burning plastic, but it can kill you! MINDF*CK! Further investigation on Wikipedia-

A two-year study^[4] released in 2001 by the CSIRO in Australia found several health problems associated with these chemicals. CSIRO research scientist, Dr Stephen Brown, reported anecdotal accounts of disorientation, headache, and irritation in some drivers of new cars. He measured pollutant levels in new cars that were sufficient to cause similar effects within minutes in controlled experiments by other researchers. Chemicals found in the cars included the carcinogen benzene, two other possible carcinogens cyclohexanone and styrene, and several other toxic chemicals.

SEE? Disorientation and headache! If you're disoriented while driving, that doesn't add up too well! DEATH! Now here's the kicker, remember the 6 month science project that I blamed on my two month Raging Hobbit absence? As much as the project wants to make me dissect my eyeball via potato peeler, I actually learned something from it! In that wikipedia entry above, it says the fumes contain carcinogen benzene! I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! A carcinogen means it gives you cancer! HA! Benzene also kills you! OK, WIKIPEDIA, no matter how much Mercedes paid you to not mention that the seats kill you, YOU HEARD IT FROM RANT. Now you know the truth behind leather car seats! Benzene, cancer, and under-the-influence-of-leather-car-seat-fumes-therefore-resulting-in-being-disoriented-and-crashing-your-car-and-dying! Do yourself a favor and wear a gas mask before entering your leather seated car! Now off to another brief topic, so I was bored in the middle of writing this post, so I browsed through various infant T-shirts. IDK WHY. So I came across one particular baby T-shirt that said "FUCK CANCER!" on it. So this would be mildly hilarious, but, on a baby shirt? Really? Imagine me this, a mother is looking though her old treasures, and she runs across her daughter's old baby clothes. She shows it to her daughter. "AWWW this is what you wore when you were a baby". "Awwwww, mom, it says FUCK CANCER!" Whats next? What would I do if I saw my friends kid wearing a FUCK CANCER shirt? I would probably fake a laugh and avoid them at all costs. There are a lot of dumb baby shirts. I see a lot of baby shit at spencers. You know why? Because every teen girl that buys slutty shit there gets raped and has a baby. cause and effect. No one buys these baby shirts. Thank god, too, I never wanted to beat up a baby.

...Rant

Post 100

Rage's stupid kitten post was the 100th Raging Hobbit post, but I could not let that happen, so I deleted the crappy fanmail post! HA! Have you ever been at Barnes and Noble, and theres a woman with huge glasses, she goes to the next isle and says, "oh, look, theres more books over here". I think this crosses the unofficial border of blatantly obvious statement to genetic malfunction. What happened when she was born? Maybe it runs in the family of women who go to barnes and nobles and are surprised to see books. I bet when she was being born, her mother was like "Oh look, its a baby!" and the dad was like "He has a head!". Well I keep forgetting that this blog is open to any reader. There may be someone reading this post thats like "This is a blog". Well you know what else really crawls under my skin? When you see a picture that leaves a huge scar in your brain. Yes I did talk about this yesterday. But I decided to make a top ten list of things that should never be seen.

Raging Hobbit Top 10 List of Things Never to be Seen

10. Anyone with leprosy.

9. A bleeding dog.

8. Rage.

7. A fat guy without his shirt on

6. A fat guy with leprosy without his shirt on.

5. Guy undergoing brain surgery

4. Fat shirtless guy with leprosy undergoing brain surgery.

3. Twilight.

2. People with barnacles.

1. THE THING I SAW YESTERDAY.

*Note-original picture was not a picture of a random bald guy, it was a picture of Ray Charles that I decided not to post. Toodle-oo!

...Rant

Kittens...

Well, I was going to post this thing called "Funny Video," the most hilarious thing ever, and add a picture of a gasping face, but when I Googled "gasp," all that came up was, no, not porn, but kittens; which are nude; therefore kitten porn.


Trust me, kittens are the worst things to happen to America since Canadian television! Anyway, so I realized what the true meaning of lolcats and icanhazcheezeburger (sorry guys, that ain't Kosher!) and it's actually internet porn for desperate old women, deranged high school boys, and unsuspecting liberal communists!

Picture this: Laura Bush is sitting in her and W's room, throwing nuke-shaped darts at a map of the middle east taped to her wall, when all of a sudden she bangs her elbow on the keyboard of her 4,000 pound fuming 1970's computer (Raceless, not Mac or PC,) and then the screen goes up showing a giant picture of a kitten slammed against the window. A huge, furry kitten, it's genitals just hanging out there. Mrs. Bush becomes sweaty. What will George and Jed think when they find out she has a secret lust for kittens? Everyone knows for certain that it's a Bush family tradition to eat kittens! She locks the door, and gets freaky. Like, really freaky. That cat was just to badass to resist. Shaking, she puts her hand on the mouse and clicks the "next" button. She reads the words "iM in UR hoUse, eaTing uR MOUSE!!!1." It's so great, our former first lady passes out. It's unimportant what happens when they find her. (Apologies to Laura Bush.)

Okay. That was disgusting! Don't you see how cats can turn people mad so fast? Now, many of you may have already ejaculated because of the above image. To those who soiled something, I apologize, but I also know many of you read this blog in your birthday suit because at every corner the words are like a gigantic breast in your face. Do you feel the cushiony goodness? That's right.

So, now I'll read you some of my favorite quotes from Icanhazcheesburger. "iM in ur houSe, fuck'n ur WIFE." "iM iN ur house, playing with my DICK" By far my favorite, "iM in ur caR, rape'n uR FAMLY with my tinY cat NARDS!!!11" Perfect examples of the true life of cats, exposed!

Next up in line for people who look at kittens on the internet are people who either love animals and think "theyre so CUTE," and people who have OCD and think they are Catwoman. "Hey batBITCH, look at THESE babies!"

In conclusion, cat lovers are retards.

-Rage

EDIT: Holy fuck! 100th post! (By technicality, actually 98th post.)

Hate Spree

ERK ERK CRRRIINNNGEEE. I will not even talk about what I saw today. Someone gave me a link to a "funny" video, an I must say, I think that picture scarred me for the rest of my life. It is the most disgusting horrifying inhumane picture on the internet. If someone gives you the link to a "funny" video, beware, because it might be this picture. Cringe cringe cringe. Erk. Anyway, I'm going to start my hate spree now, where I say one or two sentences on things I hate and then move on to other things. It covers topics quickly. I'm pretty pissed because my stupid cat is keeping me awake every night, because he tries to eat my candy, and every time he does that, I have to get out of bed and stop him, resulting in sleep during class, resulting in bad grades, resulting in poor school record. Stupid cat. I hate huge bees that scare me and make me look stupid. I hate when you're swimming and you accidentally swallow a huge rat. I hate when you are in a subway and something smells bad. I hate bad food. I hate when people break dremels, then blame it on you, then blame it on various random people. I hate stupid chuck norris jokes people make. Stupid chuck norris jokes are almost as bad as knock knock jokes. Knock knock jokes are almost as bad as little kids who jump a lot.

[Update, i love my cat. sorry hobbes!!!]

...Rant

Easter and Spiderman.

Its easter! So whats this about? Jesus becomes undead! I always thought it would be funny if one day we dug up Jesus's body and all the Christians would be like "oops, we f*cked up!". Anyway, I didn't want to talk about easter that much. I would like to talk about a similar topic, Spider-man. So who saw Spider-man 3? I did, unfortunately! I have to say it really sucked. And Sam Raimi has been talking about a Spider-man 4 for years now, until early this year, when he said he decided to quit. Way to get us all excited and then disappoint us! Well thats not the worst part. A random director decided to make a Spider-man 4, and decided to cast Mr. Sparkles Edward Cullen as Peter Parker! And Lindsay Lohan as Mary Jane Watson? What is this? I couldn't have picked any two worse people to play those parts! No, really, I can't, can you? This should be a long post because I have a lot to say about this, but I just don't feel like posting today.

[2011 Update- The new spiderman is not a third sequel, it is a reboot.  Peter parker is cast as the guy from the social network (but not the adventureland guy), and Mary Jane Watson is... nonexistent!  No, parkers love interest is Gwen Stacy, who is being cast as easy A.  The only good thing to come from this is that we may/may not see Emma Stone die, depending on how faithful to the comics this is.  Spiderman 3 still sucks ass]

...Rant

Old Fat Balding Men

It took me considerable time to think about something to write. I decided to categorize people into basic groups, and match certain features with certain habits. That is a long way of saying that I am about to list a few dozen stereotypes. But the thing about stereotypes, is, no matter how much you disapprove of them, they are always true. How else would they get started? Nobody just starts saying "Irish men have huge nipples" or "Dominicans have a Dremel breaking habit". I am about to categorize everyone on the planet. Don't take this the wrong way. NOTE- This is the cut version I made. The original uncut is on the back of my spanish worksheet. See Rant.

Fat People: Stupid. Have deep voices. Like to pretend to sing country music. Like to play with their belly fat. Like to jump up and down and watch their entire body change shape like a big sack of jelly loosely wrapped in Glad.

Men With Long Hair: Are Rastafarian and/or ex-hippie. Like to meditate.

Poets: Suicidal, emotionally insecure. Like to pretend to be really smart.

Lawyers: Assholes.

Babies: To be served with mushroom.

Skinny People: Have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Have one testicle.

Gay People: Are Homosexual.

Tall People: Play saxophone. Have chapped lips. Name their pieces of shit.

People With Buzz Cuts: In the army.

Pilots: Southern accents.

Blonde Tall Men With Lisps: Like to sing George Harrison in the shower while washing their lower backs with dish soap.

Japanese People: Eat Viagra and Horse meat with their Ice-Cream.

Old Fat Balding Men: Now I get to the best part. I can rip on old fat balding men as much as I want, because no one will get offended. No ones going to say, "Hey, I'm an old fat balding man and I am offended!" But I know who they are. And deep inside, they do too. Have you ever noticed how they always smoke? And their skin is like two different colors. I think thats called Vitiligo. They look like cows, with their patches of skin ad their fat and baldness. They're also assholes, too. They always look at children with their yellow-cancerous eyes like they want to kill you, except the funny thing about old fat balding people is that they cant move to well, so they just kind of look at you like, "hey, I want to kill you, but I won't, because if I attempt to move out of this subway chair without assistance, I may fall into cardiac arrest". You always run into one in a subway. Its like their home-base, because people always have to give up their seats for them. The funny thing, though, is when they sit down, they immediately occupy the seat they are in, and the two adjacent seats. So really, 6 handicap-reserved seats=room for 2 old fat balding men. Ratio is 3:1. You can do better, old fat balding men.

...Rant

Are All Diner Waitresses Stuck In The Past?

Have you ever been to the diner, and the waitresses are ALWAYS old women with dying blonde/white hair and dark red lipstick? What can I get you, honey? I have a reason for this. Most diners are probably old, and the waitresses all looked the same, now, 40 something years later, they haven't quit their jobs, now we have uniformly looking waitresses, still trapped in their time period? Soon they will all die. This also goes for some CVS workers that are like, "whats a cell phone?". There is one particularly bad worker I have a problem with, our conversation goes kind of like this.

CVS Time-Confused Woman: Aren't you supposed to be in school?

Rant: Its Saturday.

CVS Time-Confused Woman: Did you steal this money from your mother?

*Rant steals candy and leaves*

CVS Time-Confused Woman: Go to hell!

Ok, I made up the last part. But I'm sick of these old women not trusting anyone. You know what else I'm sick of? Peopllleee whooo writeeee likeeee thissss. If you're going to type like that, I am going to stop talking to you. Also people who type like this- HeYy WhAtZZXXXup?? xxxxI'm SoOOoxx bOr3Edxxxx! oMgXZZZ I hAveeeeEE NoOoO Id3a howWw haRd dIZ iz FR Oth3r P33opleee to Reeadddd ThIsZZxxxXxxXX! I am going to dig a grave for every person who does this. Doesn't it take a lot more effort to capitalize random letters or add millions of unnecessary letters or add X's or spell things wrong? It doesn't look cool, it looks stupid. Another pet peeve of mine are those who make their hearts with like 22 3's at the end. Like this- <3333333333333. OK THAT DOESNT NOT LOOK LIKE 22 HEARTS. It looked either like 22 stacked up hearts, or one heart with 21 3's at the end of it. Go to hell!

...Rant

Hobbit Spawn Brief Review

I briefly looked at all the Raging Hobbit spawn blogs that all went down in flames. I thought it was hilarious because none of them post anymore, and some are even deleted. I am just quickly going to summarize what happened to each individual Hobbit Spawn Blog.

Q-ing: U Is A Tool- Posted about how he likes fireflies. One quick rant on twilight posters. I can't remember anything else, I don't think there was even anything else.. mysteriously deleted along with personal facebook account. Victim of Hobbit Spawn Curse.

Check This Shiz Out- Brief sentences on Shane Dawson and facebook fan pages. Facebook page with one fan (himself). Deleted in shame. Victim of Hobbit Spawn Curse.

Edward's Cove- One post on facebook statuses. 5 months ago. No activity since. Victim of Hobbit Spawn Curse.

I Hate Etc. Etc.- Shall we even go there?

...Rant

The Original! The Real Deal! The Non-Plastic!

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Stray Thoughts on April Fools Day

I personally love April Fools day. I love the idea of a day completely devoted to pranking people, and no one will care. My problem is those few people who can't take a joke. I thought it would be hilarious to poke holes in the bottom of the cups in the cafeteria, but a certain unnamed teacher did not think it was so funny, but since its April Fools day, it saved my ass. Another thing that can happen on April Fools day that I hate, are peoples lame attempts at a joke/prank. See example below.

Person 1: You have a spider on your back!

Person 2: I'm not retarded, go away.

*person 1 stills tries to run the joke*

Person 1: No really!

Person 2: DIE

Person 1: Really its this huge spider on your back

*annoyed person 2 checks back*

Person 1: April Fools! You fail!

Person 2: I ONLY CHECKED MY BACK SO YOU WOULD SHUT THE F*CK UP!

See, its not a prank if you TELL the person to fall for it after they already realize its a joke. If someone says that they know its a prank, don't try to keep pulling it off. Another thing about April Fools day is that its MUCH harder to pull a prank, because everyone is expecting it. The thing is, the ONLY reason I like April Fools day is because most people don't care when you prank them. But if people were just generally less sensitive, we wouldn't need this day, and it would be easier to pull off a good joke.

...Rant