Hello, children and adults. I am Ranta Claus, the evil alter ego of Santa, transformed from Rant, the famed blogger. You are probably expecting some big long post on a lot of things. Well all your getting is the Raging Hobbit followers’ stand in the Good/bad list and a few of my beliefs. Today I will encircle the world, giving Raging Hobbit readers a place on my well thought out lists. Santa checks his lists twice, but I write you up and ink it over so I can never change my mind, Santa is so erratic, that’s why I’m better. This is my very own post, my once a year chance to broadcast my beliefs to Raging Hobbit readers. Well, you may be wondering what I do when it is not Christmas time. I live in the body of a blogger, waiting for my chance to transform. Today is the oh so anticipated day of my return. I will start my post by deciding the fate of all Raging Hobbit followers. What would Ranta do? Nick Harras - Follower number one. He eats bats. He follows the Raging Hobbit. He frequently comments on posts. His profile picture is some sort of smiling brown flame thing. Next Follower- Charlz95. Has no Profile Picture. Looks like vampire guy in some weird book series. Doesn’t like “Tropic Thunder”. Straightens his hair. Follows the Raging Hobbit. Marshall S- Abbreviates last name on profile. Doesn’t like crunchy rice. Is a Shepard, kirooooo. Likes scones- particularly orange ones. Eats at a restaurant called “The Fat Canary” which depicts a canary drowning in a cocktail as its logo. Manufactures a perfume called “Eau de Gordon” and “Eau de Stagecraft”. They just keep getting better. Tanner Gill- Follower three. Lives near Nick Harras. Used to have buzz cut. Likes to throw things. Likes midgets with guns. Lee Johnson- Tried to flag The Raging Hobbit for who the fuck knows. Beat my score in “Icy Tower
Well now I move to another topic. The biggest conspiracy of all time, busted by your very own Ranta. In fact, it isn’t a conspiracy at all. I really hate when people try to find like mysteries or think there are codes in famous pieces of artwork or documents. The Mona Lisa. its a fucking lady. Ok, so take the Da Vinci code for example, the ground to her left is like a fraction of a millimeter more raised, and the left side is the female side apparently, even though I have never heard that before, and so that means that Da Vinci thought females were dominant! Do people really need to try and make sense out of everthing? Da Vinci didn’t take extra careful measures to make sure that the land surface was even, he didn’t have to! It was an unleveled plane! There you go! Oh, and did I mention that since the Mona Lisa’s lip is a little messed up, that means Da Vinci had cancer?? Or that the Mona Lisa had no eyebrows, so Da Vinci was homosexual, of course. Or in the last supper, everyone says that John is missing and that Mary Magdalene is in the picture even though she shouldn’t be. Simple answer- John looks like a lady. If you look carefully he has a little mustache. Mary Magdalene did not have facial hair, I am fairly certain. Oh, and the two people leaning towards each other, well If you cut that out and paste it on the left, it makes a “V” shape. Fuckin' A, man! So Da Vinci drew something that somewhat resembles a V, but I am fairly certain that he did not go out of his way to make little shapes and letters between all the people. Well what does the V have to do with anything, oh let me pick up my copy of the Da Vinci code and see! Well! What does it say? OH, RIGHT, A V IS A FEMALE SIGN. Ok, I have a couple things to say. First off, I doubt ANYONE knew that a V was a popular female sign before Dan Brown put it in his stupid book. Also, how many fucking females sings are there? So, lets count, there's the vague ground level, the ambiguous V shape, and the oh so cryptic John, the she-male. Maybe one day I should make a movie about a hidden treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence! Oh wait…never mind.
Anyhoo, I will dwell on the new year for a while. What will they say about 2009? Well, folks, now I give you, the annual Raging Hobbit Year In Review, written and edited by yours truly, Ranta Claus. Well first off Obama becomes president. As you may or may not know, Rant is a left wing, sillyhead democrat. Word doesn’t recognize the word sillyhead. There goes that wavy red line again. Ok, so here is what I think of Obama. He is a mooslim terroreest! He is out to bombo the worldo! How did he beat McCain, he got a bunch of al-quedas to vote for him! He fudged with the ballot! Have you ever noticed his mooslim beard and his terrireest turban, of course you don’t…you have to enter the mind of Ranta..think about me, and my Christmas plots, sink yourself into the mind of Ranta, discard all of your months’ brainwashing from Rant posts, exit Rant, and enter the world..of Ranta..! Now look at a picture of Obama, see the beard and the Turban? He’s..Osaaamaaa. Don’t see it? Ok, now that you may or may not have entered the inauspicious mind of Ranta, you can read the rest of my post with ease. What else happened in 2009? Oh, Susan Boyle. She's old and sings good. You know who else is old and sings good? A lot of people. Another big event this year was, of course, the tragic deaths of Michael Jackson and Billy Mays. That stupid Billy Mays. He died because he bumped his head. Well, of course, you also know what else happened this year. Swine flu! Its avian flu then mad cow disease, now its pig flu, it’s like the farmageddon! So we need to rush to the labs and make vaccines and do all sorts of things, because so many people are dying of swine flu! Wait, how many people died of swine flu? 12? Well, gollygee, that doesn’t seem like a big number! Why do we need to get a vaccine if only 12 people died of it? What a huge waste of money! I know what the swine flu really is! It’s the normal flu in a pig costume! Its all fake, all of it. 12 out of 304059724 is .00000394659307130069 percent! So for the .00000394659307130069% of people who died, we need to spend money on a swine flu vaccine. They already started giving them out. Trust me, they’re fake. Don’t believe a word of it. And what about the moon? They are blowing it up! As if Earth doesn’t make a mark significant enough in our solar system, we are already blowing up and colonizing other moons and planets? You see that big fat American flag on the moon? It’s colonization! I was just thinking of living on the moon because it would be total anarchy, but once again, Earth squelches my dreams! But, who says life isn’t a complete Anarchy? There is nothing you HAVE to do. There are things you can do that other people will punish you for, or things you can do that others will decide they don’t like, but remember this, there are no predetermined laws. Living on the moon makes you really think. What can Earth do about me on the moon? I can do whatever I want? If I become a moon-citizen, I can launch a big fat missile at the US
-.-.-ranta
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